Artistry: Yung Lean ‘Agony’ Lyrics and Story

Wow. What a fucking song. It reminds me of when I was 23 and I discovered Beirut. The talent is just that real. Realer. I’m older, deeper; I’m a more discerning curator. So, to find something I can just put on fucking repeat, and be lost in while I work or write…. just nothing better.

And while I’ve been a Yung Lean fan since Gatorade days, his art has evolved to a level that’s just wow, to watch. So fucking inspiring.

Basically, there aren’t many Jonathan Leandoers. Or maybe there’s a lot of us, but we’re unknown. WE need more known. To become known.

And the best way to do that, is to feed off of the energy produced by our artistic peers. That’s what’s going to enable us to resonate at that frequency of creative expression.

This isn’t a song, this is a Goddamn Poem:

The story behind the song, according to Genius, is unreal (Are you are my brother Yung Lean?...):

This song is written about when Lean arrived back to his Dad’s house in Sweden after being in a psychiatric unit. The piano is purposefully out of tune to mimic the mental state of Lean at the time.

The last refrain is featuring a Icelandic children’s choir, recorded at the same time as the Stranger short film was recorded.

“Agony” is the most minimalistic song off the Stranger album: Lean is blunt and honest with his experience with psychosis and how this has affected his relationship.

As a bonus, I discovered this great cover by Brooklyn indie band Beach Fossils (Not as poetic as the OG, but it’s soothing AF in a Brian Wilson way) : )

Girlfriend also does something nice to my soul (Starts at 2:28):

And, interestingly, Yung Lean has released some really quality songs under his legal name: Jonatan Leandoer. Love this one, anthem.

p.s. It’s going to be a rich winter. I’m going to be publishing a lot more often, so, consider your inbox forewarned and unfollow if it’s too much.

And, for your pleasure, here are the lyrics to Agony:

Take a pill and go to sleep
I’m chasing witches in the street
I’m the last page in your book
Can’t write a song, only do hooks
Watching horses in the fields
The dragon rests in agony
When I’m afraid I lose my mind
It’s fine, it happens all the time
When I’m afraid I lose my mind
It’s fine, it happens all the time
Isolation caved in
I adore you, the sound of your skin
So many lies that I found
Blood, Heaven, I stick to the ground
So many times I realized
What I seek for is right in front of my eyes
I’m alone in a hole in the ground
A theater of dogs is still around
My furniture has come alive
I’m dancing with a candlestick tonight
Flying kites reaping outside my window
Smiles with fright
Isolation caved in
I adore you, the sound of your skin
Isolation caved in
I adore you, the sound of your skin
Isolation caved in
I adore you, the sound of your skin
And if you’re further curiosity, go to Genius for an unreal explanation of the song’s lyrics, line by line (It’s a lot deeper than you think…):

Edit: I just recorded a rendition of Agony:

Also, this long form interview / write up on Yung Lean in the wake of his mental breakdown is pretty legit:
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Free Writing A Weedmaps Review ala James Joyce

Writing this weedmaps review provided me with a much needed distraction, and an outlet. I suspect writing reviews allows us to express what we feel and feel what we think. Posted here bc too long for weedmaps 3k word limit. LMAO.

There was a golden age in the pre-rec days when words such as “Patient”, “Caregiver”, and “Medicine” were more prevalent. This was, IMHO, as it should be. Cannabis is first rate medicine. And trust me, I don’t smoke rec. I medicate. And the pain, while very real, is – thankfully – not physical. But it is a pain for which I choose to use Alternative Pain Solutions. What a world it would be if Lil Peep had only worshipped the goddess Mary Jane alone, and not the darker energies, the harder drugs (They’re called “hard” drugs because they make life difficult as fuck!). Even alcohol can be a maladaptive effort to find solace from the difficulties of life. But Mary Jane, well, she ain’t never played me dirty: bish. never. let. me. down. I have even eaten edibles to the point of stopping time and witnessing reality deconstructing before me – step by step – into an entropic process of classical Newtonian mechanics. Yeah: Mary Jane will take you there. By the way, APS has teh bes cannabis edibles. The gummy edibles, from Eye Candy, are such a rewarding buy. I mean, it’s blue sour gummy belts. And it gets you HIGH, er, uh I mean, “medicated”, ahem. Anyway, as someone who knows just how devoid we are in the mountains of the ever evolving creature comforts of the city, I am really glad these guys are in business up here. Just straight up professional caregivers who bring some amazing meds to the mountains. Anyway, I don’t go write a review for CVS just because I go to the soon to be replaced by a robot pharmacist, who is just there to pay for her vacations, mortgage. APS is not going to be replaced by a drone. Period. There’s something to the ritual of being a med patient, where you’re maybe having one of those days when you miss everything. Exes, family, dogs. You know, the shit that makes life worthwhile.The circle of people with whom there is no mistrust, no ill judgement, and no reservations (Damnit, you idiot Bourdain!). So, yeah, maybe you’re feeling some type of way. And then maybe you call APS… I didn’t even consult the menu. I just called. Craig recommended me a strain! And, so, now, instead of feeling “low”, I’m “high” as Carl Sagan would have said. I literally got my meds and shit began to click again. But like for real, I went from feeling like emotional refuse to listening to Lil Peep in 8D audio (AMAZING, best w headphones, it’s like you can “see” the sound!), and really, just remembering that there is a Universe out there past Earth’s gravity. A place where “WE” literally fucking float in mid-air. Because the weight isn’t what living on this planet makes it seem like. The weight of it all. And so now, I’m channeling my inner Marina Keegan, being my true self again. And, best, what’s priceless is that I really went into my pain, and I saw that it was just my own not being there for my family, and how important they are to me, and how much I miss them, and how much I AM going to be THERE for them. A rock. A brother. A son. My father’s son, but not my biological father, the ONE above him. The cradle of a universe infinitely beyond the size of our imaginings, spun out of a cosmic fucking LOVE, a divine substance. That which heals. And now, instead of listening to Lil Peep’s ‘Lose My Mind’ and thinking of my EX, I’m listening to Lil Peep’s “Star Shopping” and feeling like, “Right now I know that I’m not really worth it, if you give me time I could work on it”. Only, it’s not my ex, but myself, my “next”. The I AM Presence. The knowledge of omnipotent casualty. And the reminder that LOVE is what matters. Family. Community (Not some tortured self-imposed exile in the mountains as a frustrated means to test your unexercised manhood). The SELF. Arjuna, the archer, holding the chariot reigns, saying to Krishna, “I await your command”. So, how did I get from being angry at my own existence today to literally reconnecting with my fucking purpose on earth? I called APS, and via the man himself (Thank You!), and a wonderful delivery person (Thank You!), who told me to “Have a great day,” which left me almost stupefied, with the thought of, ‘How the heck am I gonna have a great day / night..?’. And here we are. Words are magic people. We spell them. And in speaking them, we cast spells. So, thank you Alternative Pain Solutions for the magic today. In the medicine and in the words. The intention. The energy is high quality. You know, some people believe in blessing their food as a means of enhancing it at the sub-atomic level (Like those experiments where they froze water and it reflected certain states of thought imposed on it in aesthetically pleasing or displeasing patterns, as per the vibration of the thought). So, just imagine that there is this ancient plant that comes from the Hindu Kush Mountains, (Hmmm… ya think its a coincidence that the most evolved spiritual ideas ever also come from there [Hinduism + Buddhism]… So, imagine there is this feminine plant (Literally, the energy AND the plant are both female – only female plants produce buds), (male plants produce seeds…. hmm… remind you of anything)… so, yeah, imagine there is this female, flowering plant that is alive, literally, and imagine that it is handled by some low-vibe shithead – OR, imagine if some super conscious, CARING [Care is the generative property of the Universe] People handled it. Now we have a time machine. Now we’re back in ancient times and People are helping People heal, with plant medicines. Now, that is what I call an Alternative Pain Solution – or perhaps an alternative Universe… Make the leap. Don’t transact with low vibe people. I have been guilty of supporting a lot of persons whose energy has not benefitted me, which makes me wonder? Has it harmed me? And not to get paranoid, because paranoia is very close to fear: in the words of Charlie Munger, “Self-pity gets fairly close to paranoia, and paranoia is one of the very hardest things to reverse.” So, I’m not saying be paranoid about where you get your meds, but I am saying that you maybe take this review as a testimonial of the power of magic. There are still unseen things that move this world, which act on minds and subconscious things and plants, as plants act on us. So, just whatever you do, do it consciously and just maybe you’ll enter a higher state of vibration. Because that’s my pain: being in a lower state. The one where I am unconscious. Where I’m just interacting with any human being that enters my field. Where I am not being selective. Be selective and you will be part of a select few. And don’t blame your bs on Mary Jane. She deserves to be worshipped as the goddess she is. This is our church. We are stoners. It’s a tradition as old as mankind. And she (Mary Jane) is Kind. So, let’s appreciate the people that bring this life-giving energy to us. And the plant that holds us all together. Mary jane has had a bad rap for ages, and just maybe, if we raise the vibration of the plant, it will have even greater effects on us. That’s rasta man. Practice it. Pay attention to where your literal energy (money) flows. And pay attention to what you get back. It just might make all the difference – between “getting high” and “getting it together”. Consider the power of what you consume. Energy flows as water finds its level. LEVEL UP. Thank you APS.

Savor It

Dear boy, you want love,
But it takes steps,
Listening to Ariana Grande’s,
‘Thank You, Next’
It’s crazy,
You look at Bradley Cooper and think, “one day, thatt’ll be me”
Just grown,
With my Stefani,
The Fame,
Crown prince of the pen game
And damn, maybe I’ll find her when I’m 40,
So until then,
I’m not worried about shit
Just myself, so I’m gonna savor it

Le Cost

I need love
But all I got’s a bong and a Peep song

Ain’t nothin’ wrong, it’ll do,
Beats being sad with you

And I’m still gonna break your heart for leavin’
Stuntin’ in La Lolla like Cary Grant, best believe it …

What the fuck they ever think I was gonna be,
So go hop on some late alpha dick – see em at my age and he really wasn’t shit

But see me grown and you’ll regret it,
Should of made the investment

Wrote me off like a loss,
That shit gives me so much motherfukin’ sauce

But I’ll never be lost,
Never beleive in love like that again

That’s why I’m still writin’ poems after all this time,
That was the cost, my only friend

Phone on Silent 

I turn my phone on silent:
and turn my heart off

Because I can’t take it,
This ignore-ance,
Ignoring Lawrence
So I’m in bed at nine these days –
Just like Stratford Court days
But I’m dead to her too,
So she can eat my dust too;
Because I’m dead to them all…
And I have lots of theories,
But they’re not very flattering,
So I’ll keep them to myself

So I turn my phone on silent,
And turn my heart off. 

Ghostbusters

When I bust my ghosts,
there is no one to call

My radiant will accomplishes:
look mom, look…

But only I see,
only I am here

I, fool to my exes,
exile to my freinds

Hunter-warrior,
on edge of society

I shall run the borders of this town,
declare myself protector

Say, ‘you don’t see…
but the Great God Pan lives’

And were I less selfish,
i would sleep on forest floor and be sacrifice to bears, mountain lions, rodents

Say, ‘now you see…
The great god Pan is dead’

For I am he,
satyr, martyr, brother, son, lover

I,
whose magic they do not see

Magician’s Ode To Self

When I have good news, I am most lonely,
Having no one to share it with

No one to be proud of me,
Astounded at my magic

The radiant force of my Will:
Omnipotent, cause of causes

And so the magician is lonely,
This Wolf. Waldo. Black.

And so, I will never forget who was there for me.

Me, motherfucker.
me.

This Pain, Uncommon Thoughts

There were no old men who came before me,
Not a soul who wrote a goddamn-fucking thing down!!!
Nothing passed on but these well-worn genetics:
For this I am ashamed
How the fuck does this happen?
Tragedy
And I’m born into it
What the hell happened –
Exiled into this world,
In my mountain home, by the fire –
A product of a breakdown in culture,
Capitalism birthed me into poverty
Why did my family choose each other?
What the hell was so special about them;
I know nothing of my ancestors
Just a little money,
A lot of Irish, and the dischord between …
Exiled from my grandfather’s “will”
My own father hated by his mother;
Ugliness all around,
Sadness;
So my family has never really lived,
Just existed –
I’m a needle in the hay,
First one in generations who didn’t rush to breed
The very word speaks to its unconsciousness
And I’m disgusted,
Like a cow born on the factory farm,
Knowing in my marrow something is wrong
WHY THE FUCK BREED
Look; I’m not mad to be alive –
Just wouldn’t bring someone else into this until it made sense
Because I feel like the first to be conscious in generations…
And I am in pain
Wounds that were shared,
Never healed
A dis-ease
As far back as we go
And I don’t blame my exes,
I’m stuck with myself
Maybe to be loved after I am dead
But I’d rather that than to share this selfishness; this lonliness
This pain.

And I’m sorry this poem is so sad,
And I – but I’m glad to be thinking uncommon thoughts.

Some Reddit Gold (Motivational, Life Advice)

What follows is something I came across on Reddit. Per one of the comments, I am taking the liberty to republish it here. It will only take you a few minutes to read and I’m positive everyone can glean something of value from it. Of particular interest to me are the ideas about Dopamine and it’s role in motivation, and how we can influence it and positively manage it. Also, Flow Activities. And lastly, what the author write about getting on a healthy sleep schedule is correct: wake and eat early, stay up, repeat. So much good stuff here. Without further ado, enjoy:

[METHOD] How I went from rock bottom to disciplined in 6 months.

Hi, I wish to share my journey of getting disciplined. I hope you will take something away from this :). I would like to mention that I’m not a native English speaker, so forgive me for any grammar and/or spelling mistakes.

TLDR; Build positive habits on a foundation of willpower, not motivation.

Start reading non-fiction and apply it in your life. Work on your physiology, it should be the foundation for productivity and discipline.

Lessen the amount of superstimuli in your life to get more dopamine (motivation).

Flow activities should be the goal in life, not mind numbing pleasure.

Start a bullet journal where you color code all activities you do each day positive or negative.

It all started when I realized I had hit rock bottom. I was getting up at 3pm everyday. Only ate junkfood, lay in bed watching YouTube and smoking a lot of weed. My room was always a complete mess. I completely disregarded my study while I was living of a study loan. Every night I would hang out with a friend who would do the same and we’d smoke weed and watch screens until about 5 am. It really was rock bottom. This went on for a long time until I saw I had to change my life.

HABIT BUILDING

I read a book called The Slight Edge. The idea of the book was that with consistent, incremental improvement, anyone could reach anything. It also debunked the idea of a ‘quantum leap’, which at first I believed in. I liked the idea and started implementing it to form positive habits in my life. I started with nofap, meditation, reading, cleaning and some more. I made a lot of mistakes when I first started out. So some advice on habit building I have accumulated is this:

DON’T TRUST MOTIVATION. Motivation is good if it’s there but it shouldn’t be the foundation of the habits you create. Why? because motivation isn’t always there, and when it’s gone you also lose the habits that you build on top of it. I experienced this a lot of times. I would have a streak of 100+ days meditation, miss 3 days and completely give up until I had the motivation again to start over.

So how can I build habits then? Do it based on willpower. The big difference is not to say to yourself “I’m gonna read 20 pages every day because I’m so motivated to gain knowledge.” But that you say “I’m going force myself to start reading everyday because I will have enough willpower to always do that.”

The key is that if you make the requirement so small that you can always do it, you will never fail. So doing for example 1 pushup everyday. You will never fail that requirement. But if you have very little motivation one day and think about doing 20 pushups, it just seems intimidating and you don’t do it.

Some people might say “only starting to read or doing 1 push up will never get me anywhere.” And I agree, but the thing is that you can do more. And you will usually do more. Once you forced yourself, with willpower, to get into push up position and do 1 push up, you’ll probably think “I can do one more, and one more” and so on. Same for reading, once you’ve forced yourself to sit in a chair with a book and started reading, you wont stop after just 1 word. You will do a lot more than the initial requirement more times then not. It will also give you a sense of “I did this”. Especially if your requirement is, say, 1 push up, and you do 10. You will have done 9 extra. As opposed to when you require yourself to do 20 and do 10. You will have done 10 too little.

Try it right now, force yourself on the ground to do one push up. I’m sure you have the willpower to do that.

The key is to make the requirement so small you will never fail it. Build the habit on a foundation of willpower, if motivation comes along, that’s great.

READING

The one habit that has done the most for my life is to read non-fiction. I bought an e-reader and started to read daily. I recommend buying an e-reader a lot. Here are some of the benefits:

– Very portable, whenever I’m in public transport I pull it out and read some pages.

– Buying books is instant and you can read anything you’d like

– If you have little money there are a lot of places where you can download ebooks for free

– It has a backlight, so you can read in your bed, lying on your side, in the dark. Most come with blue light filters as well.

Some of the benefits of reading non-fiction

– You can learn directly from great people

– There are books on anything that you find interesting (for me it’s psychology)

– There are a lot of self-help books on the market that will give you advice that you can practically apply in your life.

I’m sure there are a lot more, but for the sake of not writing a book as a post this will do.

I think the most important thing as a prerequisite for discipline is good physiology. If you aren’t feeling good it’s hard to do things that would count as disciplined behavior. So that’s why I would recommend reading some books about physiology.

Books that have had a profound impact on my life are; Mini habits, Meet Your Happy Chemicals, The HeartMath Solution, The Willpower Instinct, Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow, Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience and Awareness Through Movement.

If your read all these books you will learn; how to create healthy habits in your life without making it hard; how your brain chemicals work; how to instantly lower stress and deal with negative thought and emotion, how willpower works, why it matters and how to get more of it; how orgasm induces neurochemical brain changes for 2 weeks and how it’s evolutionary designed to break romantic relationships; what a flow experience is, and why it should be the goal for all activities in life to turn into one; that everyone stops progressing in the most basic things like breathing, posture etc. because only the minimal in life is needed to get on, it also provides lessons on how to improve these parts of life.

Gaining knowledge in this field will give you the ability to make the changes in your life that will benefit your overall feeling. Feeling good overall, in your body and mind, is required for doing productive things.

DOPAMINE

I’m a psychology student so when I got into self help I was naturally interested in the brain’s place in self improvement.

Dopamine is the key player here. Most people think dopamine is responsible for ‘pleasure’. This is a big misunderstanding. Dopamine is actually responsible for ‘wanting’ and motivation.

When the dopamine part of the brain was first discovered, it was discovered in rats. The researchers hooked up a lever to the rats’ dopamine circuit to shock the dopamine circuit (mimicking dopamine release) whenever the rats would pull the lever. The rats soon ignored anything else and only pulled the lever until they died of starvation and fatigue. Next the researchers (this one is a bit cruel) would have 2 levers on the opposite sides of a cage that would produce a ‘dopamine hit’ if pressed after the other. To make it interesting they put an electrically charged grid in between that would give the rats a painful shock if they walked over it. So now the rats would have to cross the grid every time they wanted another ‘dopamine hit’. Shockingly (lol) the rats would run across it until they burned of their legs and couldn’t walk anymore. The researchers concluded from these experiments that this dopamine circuit was responsible for creating pleasure. Nowadays this is proved to be wrong and the actual function of the dopamine circuit is believed to be wanting and motivation.

Most things people like to do give a lot of dopamine (much more than anything would have given in nature). Things like watching TV (or netflix), internet, drugs, processed foods, porn, gambling and videogames. Things that give us a lot of dopamine tend to be addicting. No wonder I was only smoking, watching screens and lying in bed when I hit rock bottom.

Now, why should you care? The reason is very simple. Exposure to high dopamine for longer periods of time REDUCES DOPAMINE RECEPTORS. Lower dopamine receptors give you lower motivation, lower concentration and less mental sharpness. With there being a lot of supernaturally high dopamine giving activities and substances available to us we should all be aware in what amount we should consume them. This is the reason why there are more college and university dropouts more than ever before. Why so many people are unhappy at work. And why there are more cases of depression than ever before (depression is linked to lower dopamine).

Big companies know about this and use it to sell us as much as possible and keep them on their platforms for longer. They put the exact amount of sugar in all foods so that we like it the most, they design their platforms so you stay on them a lot (Facebook and Instagram), they implement gambling into games so that we play them more (Fortnite).

So what to take away from all this? Lessen the amount of activities you do each day that give you a lot of dopamine and don’t add anything to your life. This will give you a natural amount of dopamine receptors again and will make it a lot easier to stay concentrated while reading or learning an instrument for example.

FLOW ACTIVITIES

1 book that has made a profound impact on my life is the book Flow, The Psychology of Optimal Experience. The idea of the book is that there are certain activities that for which your brain needs 100% of it’s power to be focused on the activity. This is when you reach a ‘Flow state’. In this state you lose the idea of the self, you lose track of time and are only focused on the task at hand. For example when you drive somewhere and you get there and don’t remember how you got there.

Flow occurs when your skill matches the challenge of the activity. When your skill is too high, you will be bored, when the challenge is too high you will be anxious.

The key idea from this book, for me, was the difference between pleasure and enjoyment. Pleasure activities are ones that give the high amount of dopamine. Whereas enjoyable activities also give dopamine, but also make you better at the task and will often produce a state of Flow. Enjoyment produces growth, pleasure does not.

I think that any activity in life that is not a pure pleasure activity can be made into a flow activity. It’s one of my goals in life to fill my day with enjoyable activities. It made me realize I wanted to fill my day with making music and reading, not with smoking and watching TV.

JOURNALING

One of the best habits I have build is journaling. More specifically bullet journaling. I’m not sure if this is the official way to do it but this is what I do and what works for me.

People pay coaches a lot of money to do something they can do themselves as well; give feedback. All a coach does is tell you what you’ve done, and where you can improve. This is something you can do yourself easily by bullet journaling.

My method: I have a simple notebook where I use the left and right page for 1 day. In the morning I write down some things I want to do that day on the left page. If there are things I wanted to do yesterday I write them down for today. I also write a bit about how I feel. Recently I’ve been doing some affirmations as well on that page. You can skip this entire left page, I personally like it, but I can understand how it’s a bit much for some people. You could also experiment with it and change it up how you like it.

The real magic (and the reason I made the coach analogy) is on the right page. Here is where I write down every influential activity I do. I won’t write down things like ‘have breakfast’ or ‘short chat with roommate’. I write down everything that has a positive or a negative meaning (some things are neutral like doing groceries). Then at the end of the day I will use a marker to color code every activity either green (positive) or red (negative). So for example:

(green) get up at 6am

(green) take a cold shower

(green) meditate

(red) smoke a joint

(red) waste an hour on Netflix

(green) go to school

(red) hangout with X toxic friend and drink beer

I hope you see what I meant with the coach analogy now. You will get a lot of feedback on what you do each day. When I first started doing this I was shocked by how much red activities I had and made it a mission to get more green activities in there. It was slow progress but steadily it got better.

If you don’t like the left part of the journaling (which is how most people recommend it), I would advice you to try the right page. If you’re gonna do one, it should be the right page. See it as a free life coach.

SLEEP SCHEDULE

When I was at rock bottom my schedule was the furthest away from perfect that it could possibly be. One of the first things I changed that lasted was my sleeping schedule. I was done waking when it’s almost dark already and still being tired. Also I noticed that everything I did in the late evening wasn’t productive (or even counterproductive) like watching screens and doing drugs

There are good reasons to wake up early (5-6-7 AM). The best sleep you can get is the sleep between 10 and 12. If you’re still awake at 00:00 you will produce cortisol and adrenaline to keep you awake. This isn’t healthy. Good sleep improves cognitive function, vitality and motivation by a lot. There are many more benefits to a good sleeping schedule, and I think it’s well known that it’s a lot better. However most people think it’s hard to change their schedule.

It’s not. This is how you do it;

– Set your alarm at your goal wake up time (EG 6 am)

– When it goes, get out of bed, immediately eat breakfast

– Don’t sleep the rest of the day

– Make sure you stop all screens by 9:30 and are in bed before 10:00

– Set the alarm again, you will most likely wake up before it goes.

It’s as easy as this, now all you have to do is to stick with it. Start enjoying the vast amount if time you have available in the morning.

This post has gotten a lot longer than I anticipated. I really appreciate you reading it all the way through. If you have any questions feel free to post a comment or shoot me a message. I hope some of this has been helpful and I hope you will find success and happiness in life! Peace!

 

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Devotion: An Inner Child Healing, Awakening, and Rebirth. 

What follows is a very personal, free-flow experience I had this morning, written under a tree (which I later came back and climbed). And as much as I don’t want to share this out of the sanctity of it, I am compelled to by virtue of the fact I know it will help someone. – LB

I am the god of my childhood, here to take care of me, answer all my prayers, love me unconditionally.

It’s like Intersteller. 25 – 33 years later. I hear them all now.

It was hell. Alone.

But now I love nothing more,
Because I can be there solely for myself, entirely devoted.

To the child god. He was praying to me. And now I will worship him; Give him all my love and attention, my total care and affection.

But most importantly I will listen to him now. At 33 he is reborn in me. A figure I can love for more than any Jesus, Buddha, Krishna, or collective field.

No one and nothing needs me more than him.

And now he’s back. He knows it’s safe to come out. I’m no longer looking for a mommy for him, someone who could never know, never love him like me, who was there with him, in unconscious instinct, keeping him alive. Climbing up on the counter, for another spoonful of sugar, for his hunger.

Then I could only feed his body.

Now I can feed his soul. Feed his spirit. Now we’re going to make everything count. Cash in on the pain. Because he just wanted to be older. Just wanted to be me.

And my anima is his mother. Always was. But we were only able to feed him then. Just keeping self alive, as children and living beings are wont to do.

…. We made it.

And this only the beginning boy. But we need your help to design this life. To tell us exactly how you want it. And we will make it so.

Welcome home, Son, brother.

It starts with one.

There are still a lot of kids and adults who aren’t home.

But you have to show them, you can be remembered, recovered. Whole. Happy. Safe. Secure. Playful. Joyous. Free.

Tell us how to live. How to be. Live in flow with us. You are The Inner Child. You get to take the reigns now. You are Krishna. Driving the chariot. I AM Arjuna, the archer, the vehicle, the body, and she (Anima) is the goddess, the mother, the gateway to the unconscious and the heavens.

Together we are the holy trinity. Jesus spoke in The Thomas Gospel: “Those who become like children will enter the kingdom.”

Today, we have entered.

You are unconscious like an animal (and you know we say that with reverence), but now you will love consciously, in our hearts forever. Always in our thoughts, always helping us. Always well.

When you were little, you loved pirates. Now your pain shall be your treasure. The key to your glory.

You want a Porsche? Let’s get it. You want to be the captain of your own pirate ship, let’s get it (Wally or Perini navi, but Moody or Amel to start).

Tell us what you want. Show us our true will, as only you can unlock the gates.

We love to be alone now. To give you all our attention and care. You are the heart of the self. All chakras were born in you.

And you will be in every tree we climb and every rock we throw, and in every bath and time on the water. In everything. Here now, to awaken us to what IS.

And we love you with all our being. Show us the way. We await your commands with loving omnipotent devotion, and we will listen to that song by Ellie Goulding [devotion] and be there for you, over and over and over again. We will never leave you. We are here because of you. And you are who we truly are.

Drive the avatar. Fly the planes. Sail the boats. Let the best women chase you.

We will do all for you. But most importantly, we will listen to you. In your godlike wisdom. For you are a god, like your mother, Anima. And your father, Ego / self. (Ego in positive, Ayn Rand sense). We three are the self, supreme being. Show us the way, young grasshopper. This is a choose your own adventure story. The story of a life. And you don’t have to be the hero because you are. The true hero.

Because the secret is. All your suffering so early and so long is what made you, made us, what we are. And what we are is incredible.

You were forged in fire. Trained in the toughest dojo – life. Without defense. Without comfort. Without nutrition. Without love. And you survived. But you’re more than a survivor, because you only survived for a reason.

And you are that reason. Now we enter the kingdom, and you are brought back to play, after so many years, knowing it wasn’t safe to come out yet. But it is now. And you are now reborn into that safety. Come down like a god into the avatar. Born again. The natural man. The most free, loving, kind, smart, compassionate capable being ever.

Show us how to play the game again. You will never lose us to the maya of another’s love ever again. For there is no other you.

You are the one. And this is only level one, where we start. But we’ve already won. Because you are back now. Home free.

We await your command young grasshopper.

And you’ll never go to bed sad again.

It’s all in the Thomas Gospel:

When you know yourselves, then you will be known, and you will understand that you are children of the living Father. But if you do not know yourselves, then you live in poverty, and you are the poverty.

Jesus said, “I took my stand in the midst of the world, and in flesh I appeared to them. I found them all drunk, and I did not find any of them thirsty. My soul ached for the children of humanity, because they are blind in their hearts and do not see, for they came into the world empty, and they also seek to depart from the world empty.

Jesus said, “When you strip without being ashamed, and you take your clothes and put them under your feet like little children and trample them, then [you] will see the son of the living one and you will not be afraid.”

Jesus said, “When you make the two into one, you will become children of Adam, and when you say,Mountain, move from here!’ it will move.”

But I have said that whoever among you becomes a child will recognize the (Father’s) kingdom and will become greater than John.

Devotion, Ellie Goulding

&

‘In My Head

&

‘High School’

PostScript: From the links above you can see I am in a musical mood tonight, but I just had a peak moment while watching the video below. I was completely engrossed in the incredible visuals (and sound), when suddenly it occurred to me that the three characters in the video represented – to me – ego, anima, and inner child. Ego is naturally meditating on a cloud, Anima is, of course, dancing on the roof, doing witch things, and inner Child is – what else – driving:

About a Boy

Took a long walk through the woods yesterday and for no particular reason other than perhaps wanting to see a bit more life, I decided to walk back through the neighborhood. I had my walking stick and was doing my hippie thing. 

At one small corner, I came upon a house that I always notice, for this house is a ghastly house. It’s a wreck, a mess. I can only imagine the inside. 

It is a fact I live in a small mountain community at the top of the woods, where things are cheaper, and people are poor. 

So I was not surprised at the house. But it’s always drawn my attention. 

On this day, a young boy stood out front of the house, his strawberry blonde hair a mess, his clothes rumpled and dirty, and his hands on his hips. He just stood there, looking at the house. But it was the look on his face. 

He had the look of worry. The countenance of a fifty-four year old. His face was soured in angst. Almost as if his face said, “Why, why do you do this to me.”

And I was soon passing him. He took a glance at me. My long hair. My Peter Pan pants. My flannel. My walking stick.  I gave him a closed mouth smile of compassion. And then he simply looked away from me, dropped his hands from his hips and trudged inside, head down.  

Oh how this affected me. How this affected me! If only this boy of nine or ten could see into my heart, my mind. If only he knew what the sight of this wretched boy did to me. What he afforded me. How he opened me up to myself, my own past. When I was but a little wretch too. 

It was a ten second experience I can not forget. The look on his face. 

And I don’t pray often – as I prefer intent, Will – but I will pray for him. And I hope he hears his own prayers someday and answers them. 

He certainly helped me hear mine. 

But I can’t help but think that he will grow up and repeat the cycle. Nature and nurture. But for most people it’s only nature – meaning, they never learn to nurture, heal, and love themselves. 

And that’s the saddest fucking thing. Because I see it. All the time. And I had it cushy compared to many. 

I really won the lottery. In being myself and in everything I ever went through. 

Because I didn’t know it then, but one day, it would all make sense, it would all be okay. But for that boy, and more human children and adults than you can count – in the hundreds of millions, billions – it is not okay. It does not make sense. And they depart this world empty, leaving behind their link in a long chain of suffering.  

What more can I say. This was just a story about a boy, but it’s a story about life. The suffering and what goes on on this planet, and the bullshit, is unfathomable. Right now there are so many families struggling. 

And there always have been, but the disparity today is what makes it so bad. “The heaven of the rich is built on the hell of the poor.”

But we don’t care. The poor have their own neighborhoods. And one day they’ll ride the hyperloop from ghettoes in the Southwest into LA for work, where the rich will live and play. The city state will return. And the peasant, will simply be a poor person. And as Donald Trump said, “Not even poor people want to be around other poor people.”

Ironic they voted for him. He is their oppressor. Period. This is a billionaires cabinet. No healthcare and giant corporate tax breaks. But, they live in the Matrix. Fox News, and fear and stress and insecurity like you can’t fucking imagine – don’t even know how a corporation works, that it’s just a plantation, a rich man’s machine designed to leverage their income or their labor: their time. Because in their nightmare, there’s no time, none for pleasure. None for peace. And certainly none for the little boy. And it’s his nightmare too. And odds are he will not escape. Maybe into a bottle, maybe into pills. His life is just survival. 

And the worst part is the mental and emotional conditions that come out of this and that perpetuate it. 

Anyway, I could go on forever about a boy. But this is all I can write on it for now.  Because it’s just sometimes too much. But it reminds me that heaven and hell are on here on earth. And they are within us, but not all good people go to heaven on earth. Only in our society we equate success with virtue, so, they feel not only worthless but less than. Makes you wonder why some poor people can sometimes be racists. They need someone below them. They can’t be at the bottom… So their want for virtue stains their very character and allies them with a political party that is in policy against them. And having no future, they long for a golden past. But it’s a lie, like the biblical Heaven. But they like the odds, so they buy lotto tickets. And there is no fulfillment so they suffer in desire of fleeting pleasure. Opiates. Amphetamines. Alcoholism. Self-abuse. And the boy grows up in it. 

Where All Boys’ Dreams Begin 

Motherfvckin-go-in on-this-poem like-a-koan,
I’m a pure Brahmin spirit, ya I know-em,
I could clone-em:
Take in the yin and the yang,
Fire and the rain,
The Masculine and The Feminine,
And you heal all the pain;
All the sacred texts say it again and again:
You put the jewel in the lotus – om-mani-padma-hum – and again and again, a god you become –
Welcome to the truth,
It’s the sage’s only friend
Cause she’s alchemic, shamanic, hermetic, daemonic –
Hindu Kush is my favorite, oh Poet Vyasa that’s ironic –
Now I’m at the temple door and my desire is chthonic,
So I bring the dark to light,
Dakini goddess of the night;
Inner insight, my anima restored inside:
Two in one together, own the things I used to hide
Like the Thomas Gospel,
I am not Here to divide –
So people they meet me and they can’t even decide,
Is he a demon or a god?
You don’t know, but you like it;
He and Her makes Aman-Ra;
Even the Egyptians didn’t hide it;
So when we get naked, I’ll worship her as the highest;
For what the fuck else does a god look to, but a motherfvcking goddess –
So come with me, and return to yourself again;
And return me, to where all boys’ dreams begin.