I woke up at 3:30 am this morning, after a nice sleep with random dreams.
I looked around the dark room, enjoying the silence. Not yet noticing the sounds of crickets chirping outside my window.
Then I got up and ate a cup of cereal and made a mini-quesadilla with grass-fed cheese after. Sweet then savory.
And I felt total clarity.
I thought about the past and the present in a way that made me feel silently grateful for the insight I woke up to.
I started imagining different tattoo ideas to remind me of this feeling. The heart of life, clarity, forever young.
And I thought about how deeply I wanted to remind myself of the feelings and dreams that drove me as a younger man.
And I suddenly became aware of this small fear that I felt.
The fear that I would forget this feeling, because I had to remember it in the first place.
I didn’t want to forget this feeling that was reminding me of who I am.
I didn’t want to forget that I could do anything.
And I silently started trying to remind myself of the things I was feeling, much the way that you would try and repeat digits to a phone number that you were afraid you would soon forget.
Then I realized that I didn’t need to remember these things. They were true, they were timeless within me.
I only needed to forget everything else that was false and temporal.
To forget the false beliefs of my ego I only needed to become aware of holding onto a concept of how I see myself and how other people see me.
To the ego those are one in the same.
My previous post was a fairly long and winding piece
of garbage that dealt with the feeling of being trapped in a matrix of false beliefs constructed from the outward, false concept of myself.
And now at 4am, I’d seen that matrix.
I wanted to tell myself that I experienced some sort of ‘ego death’.
And maybe I did.
Maybe that’s the secret to unplugging from the matrix.
But I don’t know.
I just know that I want to stay aware.
I want to stay aware that within me there is only the timelessness of myself. The timeless truths that mean everything to me.
The truth that I need only see myself from the eyes of my soul and clarity is mine.
That truth that being yourself is better than perceiving yourself.
The truth that your concept of yourself or how others perceive you, is not you.