My Budding Romance with Meditation

Meditation has recently become a central part of my existence, and I’m in love.

I started writing about it in Transcendental Realizations and as a follow-up entry I published A Cocktail for The Soul, which encompassed simple instructions for my current favorite meditation technique.

Using the same technique detailed in the latter entry, I’ve enjoyed truly phenomenal experiences. Some of which I am not brave enough to detail – but needless to say, they have been mind blowing.

Having an experience where you can access something that feels like a higher consciousness is akin to losing your mental virginity. And truth be told, I didn’t expect that; however, I did do a lot of research and I entered into it very well prepared.

Prior to this year, my ‘meditation / transcendence’ experience was comprised primarily of the following:

In no particular order of importance:

  • The rare Yoga session where I felt a breakthrough.
  • The rare introspective walk with the right combination of sunset, solitude, and moving music (I recently wept watching the sunset while listening to this mix.)
  • Using my Heartmath Institute Inner Balance Sensor to meditate using the quick coherence technique. (This “taught” me how to breath and get into coherence and has been wonderful. I still use it when I meditate, but when using the aforementioned “Soul Cocktail” technique I don’t follow the breath pacer and use it primarily to gauge the quality of my heart / breath balance.) Wonderful gift / great purchase by the way, and you can also practice heart coherence techniques without the sensor but it really helps. Here’s a great video on coherence that got me into this.
  • The rare sensual embrace which love lent a certain spiritual quality to.  (Can’t give you any advice here – but I expect heart coherence has something to do with it.)
  • The rare night looking up into the dark above my bed and getting deep into the right balance of thinking and feeling. (This is kind of hard to explain, but I would describe it as the combination of gratitude and wonder.)
  • The rare kind of workout that gives you an almost spiritual endorphin high.

However the problem for me with each of these transcendent experiences is that I could not easily recreate them each time – hence why they were ‘rare’. Often a walk is just a walk…etc.

I’m expecting that as I continue to grow spiritually the frequency with which those activities are peak experiences for me will improve. I’ve already started to notice this – for instance: when I wept watching the sunset I had meditated for two hours that afternoon. I’m also expecting that as I grow more and become more attuned to myself and educated about things like heart coherence, I’ll be able to better understand the exact physical, mental, and spiritual factors that influence peak experience and thus be able to get into those states with more frequency and ease. So, I would summarize these two statements in saying that as I become more practiced and knowledgeable I’ll become more capable of these transient moments of self-actualization. Unfortunately, since having a peak experience with the above listed activities can be a hit or a miss, I’m not doing them with the same frequency I would be if they were transcendent / peak experiences each time.

I’m a big believer that we do things in order to change our emotional states; we are naturally inclined to pursue ways of changing our state. The downside is that many of us never learn healthy and empowering ways of accomplishing this and as a result we end up using things like television, food, sex, and alcohol to change the way we feel. When those things become so central to our coping in life that we become addicted to them – even something like sex or working out can be unhealthy.

For people who don’t pursue powerful and healthy ways of changing their emotional state, their peak experiences are extremely rare. They may happen while traveling or sometimes they even happen incidentally and we don’t even realize what it was – we were just watching the sunset when this powerful sense of awe overcame us.

Some people are on a pursuit of peak experience and they don’t even realize exactly what it is they are chasing – these are the people who describe themselves as “adventurers” or “adrenaline junkies”. I’m inclined to go so far as to include self described “hopeless romantics”, or people with “a sense of wanderlust” (I have personal experience with both). Side-note: people often say they suffer from wanderlust – I think people should start saying “I suffer from being a hopeless romantic”. (<- this entire paragraph is a piece of shit structurally and grammatically – but I don’t feel like rewriting it.)

In hindsight, I feel that my wanderlust and hopeless romanticism both stemmed from emotional needs relating to peak experience. Once you’ve transcended everyday consciousness in an Oxytocin releasing way, it’s hard to go back. And while both my wanderlust and my hopeless romanticism helped me to create myself they never helped me to find myself.

As digital nomad Mark Manson puts it:

They say that people who suffer from wanderlust are in a perpetual state of either looking for something that doesn’t exist, or running from something they can never get away from. My experience tells me it’s not a question of either/or but rather a statement of both and how much.

For me my wanderlust and hopeless romanticism were attempts to alter my relationship to the world and to fundamentally change the way I felt about myself.

However the problem with both is that you’re placing the fulfillment of extremely important needs far outside of your own control. So, while there may be those moments of peak experience in a new city, or that time in the relationship that felt like a dream, you ultimately run the risk of finding yourself back in your home city or single again. Then it’s back to the emptiness and the need to continue searching. You’ll find ‘the one’ or you’ll find the ‘right city’ that ‘finally feels like home’. But in the end, no one else can save you from yourself, and wherever you go, there you are.

Were it not for the incredible meditative experiences I’ve recently had and the higher consciousness insights I’ve garnered through them, I would never have come to see any of this. I’d still feel empty and lost. Not that I don’t have my moments, but through meditative self-exploration I’ve become aware of the underlying mechanics of my conscious thinking and I’ve started doing inner work on the needs I need to fulfill for myself (internal fulfillment).

I never expected that this part of the journey (meditation) would be so powerful and enjoyable. Prior to my recent experience I viewed meditation as the kind of thing addicts (i.e., Robert Downey Jr.), zen hippies (i.e., Jeff Bridges), or overachievers did. And since my initial ideas about meditation were that you had to sit in an uncomfortable position in silence for an hour chastising yourself for every thought that entered your mind, my first attempts were forgettable to say the least.

Conversely, it’s been a life altering experience now that I am using an approach to meditation that works for me. I don’t think I’ll ever give it up. It’s been more beneficial than therapy; although, I definitely do utilize the knowledge I’ve gained in therapy in my self-inquisition and in the expansion of my self-awareness.

I must state that it wasn’t by accident that I’ve uncovered such powerful insights about myself through meditation. I’ve been doing inner work and searching for solutions to the conundrums I’ve faced in my life. I’ve realized that growth is the only way to keep up with change and it’s central to my personal philosophy that I work on growing to be the best version of myself I can be – for myself and for others. It’s not easy to stare into yourself and work on the recurring themes and stories in your life. It takes courage. But you have the courage within you, and much more to be found should you embark on the journey.

The impetus for writing this came from my experiences meditating yesterday: I meditated twice within a 24 hour period, and both instances were (damn, I can’t even find the right adjective) powerful beyond what I had expected – but equal to what I had hoped was possible. I followed my own instructions, as described in the A Cocktail For the Soul method, forming my own intent prior and commencing writing immediately after.

It was a wonderful surprise to discover that I entered into a similar (but less powerful) state as the state I was in during my Transcendental Realizations experience. As a result of this, when all was said and done, I had filled a few pages of my notebook with some fucking wonderful chicken scratch (it’s a language only I can decipher).

Based on the fact that this blog is the closest thing I have to a legacy and writing here has been central to my growth and identity, I am going to start blogging (G-d I loathe that word to describe my writing) – ahem, publishing my meditations. Not that I think myself a modern day Marcus Aurelius, but as Meditations was, these writings have also been directed solely at myself and not obscured by consciousness or ego.

I obviously am not going to behave like some stoic Sarah Jessica Parker – where I just meditate, hop on my laptop, and start blogging snarky self-advice. No. I’m going to continue doing as I’ve done and chicken scratching it after meditating, and then wait until I feel ready to revisit it – whether that’s the next day or the next week – and then I’m going to type it in an organized manner here.

If I feel that for any reason this practice is inhibiting my abilities or drawing my ego into a realm it doesn’t belong, I’m going to discontinue it immediately.

Currently there are a couple other topics I am excited to write about (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, Defence Mechanisms) as well as some poetry I want to write, so things are going to continue as normal for me, but I would love nothing more than to have a long and organic relationship with this higher consciousness or soul-centered egolessness in which I am able to continue the growth and discovery that meditation has provided me with thus far. And if I can publish it too, wonderful.

I am not sure what is possible or what will be, but I am willing to go for it.

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