Poetry: Baby Did a Bad, Bad Thing to Me

Note: Explicit content

These feelings last about as long as the song does
But hear me out
Look, we both know how much trying to be right wronged us
And I know the truth now –
The truth about how every love starts sublime but doesn’t stay that way
But I needn’t remind you

‘Cause I’ll admit it too,
At the middle and the end, it was hell to pay
Thankfully, I’m doing pretty well today
And I’ll take ownership for my sins
‘Cause I threw back at you twice the pain you put me through
And I made up for it by putting myself through plenty on my own too
But I needn’t remind you

Because you just can’t forget can you
But hear me out

I can feel everything again now
So don’t tell me you’re dead inside,
Don’t tell me I killed the pieces of you that loved me,
When you barely ever saw the best of me

G-d you made such a mess of me

Maybe that’s terrible to say,
But I’m a new man now –
I’m better in every single way
Yeah, for some reason I just haven’t had a bad day
But anyways –

I’ve been a good man
Hell, my only rebound was a Christian girl’s hand
And I even gave up private browsing
Because pretending isn’t all that arousing

But of course I already tried this with you
And we both know how it ended
Because the last time I succeeded in selling myself to you,
I only sold myself out

But hear me out

I just want to fuck you like it’s Christmas
I want to fuck you like the guy you respect too much to tell him what you don’t like
I want to fuck you like it’s your last straight fuck and you’re going dyke
I want to fuck you like Barack fucked Michelle on election night

I want to fuck you like it’s our first night in the White House
I want to fuck you like I just got out of the big house
I want to do it like they did in Vesuvius as it rained hot lava and the animals screamed,
I want to fuck you like you’re you and I’m James Deen

Please don’t think me perverse
It’s just that my self-esteem left our relationship in a hearse
And trust me,
The thousand times you said no,
G-d they still hurt

I miss what I barely ever had
I miss what you’re going to give to some lucky cad
And G-dddamnit I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t mad about it

So tell me what I’m to do
Because I’m left feeling like I’ll have to do to someone else what I can’t do to you
And maybe she and I will watch a movie too
And we’ll laugh over cheeseburgers,
And sure, she won’t be you –
But what else am I to do

‘Cause I know how Marvin felt
I need that feeling
I finally understand that call for sexual healing
I’m not looking for a simple lay,
I’ve got a debt to collect that your body doesn’t want to pay

But I don’t want to be the older guy with a score to settle
Playing the dark, sexy, and brooding card to pull a girl out of a bar
So, I’ll meditate and I’ll breathe
And I’ll hope this takes care of the rest
Because I’ve never really been the type that likes it rough
But baby you did a bad bad thing to me and I’m just not sure this poem is going to be enough


I actually wrote this poem while listening to the James Morrison song below, but once I was finishing it [writing the poem], the Chris Isaak lyric “Bad, bad thing” came into my head out of nowhere, which really just perfectly captures the feeling and closes the poem. This is the first time I’ve ever written overtly sexual poetry, but at 29, and having gained mastery over pretty much every single other vice of mine, I don’t feel uncouth about it. As an artist I wouldn’t be authentic if I censored my feelings. Ultimately, as the poem’s closing alludes pretty directly to – I’m sublimating the desire into this poem – or at least attempting to! haha

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