Nosense

Sometimes, I need to let the world burn –
She said ‘You smell like ashes’ – so I let the akashic records sink in
And in this sink we are swimming in,
I hope sea level turns on solid gears like the bezel we live in
Because time is no straight line
It’s a flat circle, that turns a man to Stefan from Urkel in time

I told her time moves but sometimes we stay
To which she said, I never wanted it to be this way

Endings and beginnings. Each day brings both.
For on days like this, men awoke to blow up buildings, and mom’s awoke to light candles for babes to blow out.

We sleep to dream, but we go nowhere.

Do not mistake my darkness for nihilism.
I beleive in something – if only the e before i after b, for 2 + 2 always equals three when you are as lonely as me.

And what of now, what satisfaction may the tired find in time when they were always catching up to dreams, always looking to find the math in the madness.

There’s myths in the madness,
Beauty in the sadness
Light in the abyss,
The depths in the wetness of her kiss

But I lack the strength to be missed

For I am one who never made sense of any but the aftermath,
Saw dreams and went after that
Let alchemy face me to the facts.

Those gifts of fate,
Burns scarring the beauty too late,
Ashes to ashes,
Dust to rust,
Gold to dust.

But of diamonds I hope,
Of stones dark and up for auction.

For that dream, I go down under like Auckland.

Prose: Katy Perry

I have things about me, qualities and characteristics, which others may perceive as flaws, but I am me, and I am perfect. 

I never thought that I would become a man, but I am me, and I know who I am:

I am the programmer of the game called life. 

And I do not take myself too seriously; for I am me, and I am light, and I am love, and I am happy; for I am. 

And I have learned lessons from my past: living and loving and winning and losing has given me all I need to be in this evolving moment called time. 

And the present really is a gift. And I share it with friends and family and the beautiful women woman I love; for I am me, and there is nothing better than being unique and owning who I am. 

For I am me, and you are you, and we are us, and we exist for the sake of one another; for we are living and dying every day.

And there is nothing to fear; for at the end of the game all the pieces go back from whence they came. 

And I know not and I care not about what is next, for I know what happiness is possible for me in this life.

So let’s savor these cold drinks, listen to Katy Perry, and have a threesome.

A Sweeter Sin: Wilder Dreams

Returning to writing after spending the past few weeks living my life – in many ways as I never before have – feels faintly like an act of infedility against the one I love, whom I have been busy living with; however, this is no act of indescretion; this is what I do. I write. 

Only, writing feels different now. 

Despite the sweet sin of writing being recently displaced by another, sweeter sin, I still find a glorious joy in the act of composing my thoughts into prose. And perhaps it is the very act of enjoying a pleasure without the other true pleasure in my life, which causes me to draw such a foolish conclusion; however, there is no need for this man to feel he is missing the mark; for a mere twenty paces from this fairy-tale-lit-balcony, whereupon I am writing tonight under a string of lights near our garden, sleeps the woman I have chosen to spend forever with. 

And, yes, my words are – to borrow lyrics from Jimi Hendrix – bold as love. 

But at thirty, I know what love is. 

And to borrow a page from Buddhist philosophy: love is wanting another to be happy. 

And I am – as I never before have been capable of. 

As I said to Sarah tonight: “I was prepared for failure, but I was planning for happiness.”

Yes: happiness has prevailed. 

And I will be the first to tell you: 

I deserve this. 

I have been through the dark night of the soul, which my writing stands testament to, and I have done the inner work a man must do to face his inner depths, which again, my writing is a testimony of. And now, I expect the next six months of my writing to be a kind of letter from my soul to my ego, explaining how wilder dreams have come to be. 

I would be lying if I said I ever could have imagined finding a woman who just got me. And I too would be lying if I said I don’t feel a haunting tinge of guilt at being this happy, this healthy, this free. 

The onion peels yet further back; and this is why I write: to peel onions where tears do not flow – to heal the parts of me that have never before been this at home. 

My life – our life –  Sarah and I – we are a miracle. 

And I pray on the off chance the priestesses – the past goddesses I have prayed to or upon alters I built – on the off chance you are reading this, I hope you are happy for me. If you are: you love me – as I you, as I would want for your happiness – and if you do not: then you do not, and I nonetheless wish you the best.  

Period. Next paragraph.

It was Shakespeare, the great bard, who spoke of sweet sin in the tale of Romeo and Juliet, and who wrote that, the course of true love never did run smooth. 

But I disagree; for I know better

For our love is easy. 

And, as my sister taught me, healthy relationships are. Not to say, exclusively, that in my decade plus of luck-in-love (AKA – being a good fucking person) that I have not had a healthy relationship, but, rather, that I have not been this healthy. 

It takes a long time to become the one. 

And all I know of God, and of Love – and of the Universe in myself – has taught me that, life contains lessons that must be learned for the sake of the soul.

Only, most of us are dead to our inner voices, which is why I write: to hear my own [inner voice], and to show others what a human life looks like, when lived with a measure of bravery.

Because I live and I love from the heart, and I know I have made mistakes – but I also know that I didn’t know any better, and neither did you.

Period. Next chapter. 

 

Be Free

If you knew me – as perhaps only one beyond myself truly does today – then you would know that I am blessed. Way up

If you knew what I had been through, where I came from, what I have faced – you would simply be astonished. My life, in every regard, has eclipsed my wildest dreams. 

If I told the story of it all, you wouldn’t even beleive it. As Mark Twain wrote: the only difference between reality and fiction is that fiction has to be believable. 

But this, dear reader, is my life. 

Full of laughter and innocence, and dreams, and beauty. 

For over six years I have dipped my pen into my soul, bleeding the things I have lived – real and imagined. 

But this – this is unreal. 

For a long time, I struggled to find grattitude. I fought to love the things that were fated for me. Only now – I have finally come to see that gratitude does not in itself create happiness, but, rather, that happiness creates grattitude. And the only thing that creates happiness is choosing to be happy. 

And I am happy. Happier than I ever knew I could be. 

And not intermittently or on occasion; I am happy from dreams to sleep and back to dreams again. 

No, God did not give me this. This is not some miracle from the sky

This is a miracle from this guy

Me. 

The divine within.

Divine, from Latin divus, meaning: the god within. 

And I prefer the god within to the god out there

I’m not talking about religion; I’m talking about being

And consciousness, as I understand it, is a computer. 

Religion is nothing more than software. And you are free to load those programs – but I would rather think for myself. 

And before you think me am atheist, let me tell you that I believe in the non-material world more than I do the physical plane. 

We are creators.

This reality is mine.

Belief creates reality: you choose it, you doose it. 

Fuck religion. 

Think for yourself. 

But I’m not here to give advice. I’m merely writing this as a testimony to my own experience. 

Frankly, I don’t give a fuck what you think. 

This is my life. 

You can be as stuck in your head, as trapped in your own experience, as you want. 

As you wish you will. 

I realize there is no showing others the way. Best I can do is be a living testiment to the power of following your heart. 

But few have the courage to.

Because you have to be willing to lose yourself, you have to be willing to earn it. 

There is more spirituality in physics – cause and effect – than there are in any doctrine or dogma. The promise of salvation in the ever after is a white lie. A god who loves you, wants you to be happy in this life. 

I laughed the other day about this, because I finally saw what assholes the invented gods are. What dickheads they would be if they existed. 

The god I grew up with was a boogeyman. A looming father figure I could never love.  

I have no doubt Jesus was a cool mofo, a hippie and a shaman in his own right, but soo too am I. 

Look, I’m not telling you to renounce anything – trust me, I have tried nihilism – not the answer – besides the fact that the sex was no good, it’s a very victimized mindset. The belief in nothing, while inherently less hateful than religion, destroys the soul nonetheless.

What I am saying, is that if being a god granted the believer am omnipotent power, than stripping the believer of this belief – as religion does – would effectively strip the power away from the person and put it in the hands of those bastions of oppression, known as church and state. 

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think that trading the divine beauty in this life for the promise of eternal salvation is a fair deal. 

The idea that we – that my baby nephew – that all of us were born in sin, is fucking shit. 

The paradigm that my baby nephew – that my soul – will go to hell for loving someone of the same sex (no-homo) is valid, is simply archaic. 

Think for yourself. 

I orgasm outside of wedlock with the woman I love every damn day. Good and bad are man made concepts. Not to say I don’t believe in evil, but most of the evil I see today comes from the love or the fear of religion. 

I don’t have time to explain ISIS or the detrimental effect of religion on the collective unconsciousn to you, but needless to say – religion is fucked up. 

And I don’t care how great of a Christian you are, be a good fucking person, because for every religious person using the name of their God for good, there are thirty seven others using it to judge, dividing human souls from the love, the god, within. 

Look how small we are that we vilify ourselves and each other based on the things we think. 

Shit thinking. 

Accept yourself. Love yourself. 

If you need someone else to love you before you wil love yourself then you have already lost the only battle for your soul you will ever fight. 

Let it go. 

Find happiness first.  

As below so above. 

As within so without. 

To trust in something greater than yourself but not IN yourself is the real sin. 

The only god you should ever love is the god that loves you and wants you to be happy. Anything else should be questioned without guilt. 

As long as you are are standing in the shadows, you will miss the light. 

The light is truth. 

The light is love. 

The light is you. 

Be free. 

I am. 

p.s. For any of my fellow Jungians reading this, I will say that freeing ones subconcioncious from a dominating paradigm is incredibly healthy for the soul.