Meditations Session Ten: Trusting Life and Going Into Fulfilment Through the Care of Mind, Body, and Soul for Happiness and Love

Preface

This week was trying on account of two factors. Firstly, I turned thirty-one. And, for me, birthdays always cause me to step back and evaluate my life in a very objective, measured way, which is something I typically don’t do in my day-to-day life; however, when you reach a milestone, such as a birthday, you are forced to say: “This is my life at thirty-one”. In short, my birthday arrived with a sobering tinge of inner melancholy – because hey, I’m not a billionaire yet and nor do I have my Nobel. A terrible shame, I know.

Secondly, Sarah left town for a week-long work trip, so I was faced with our first real separation, which was not unbearable; although, it had its moments.

So, I’m not crying woe is me or anything, but like any human, I live my life according to my hopes and dreams and fears.

As I said, it was a trying week – but the time alone was good, as this entry evidences.

What follows is a series of notes I took after meditating last night and choking down a small but vile dose of an ancient, sacred plant medicine.

Like all my meditations, these are verbatim, with any added notes in italics.


Meditations Session Ten: Trusting Life and Going into Fulfilment Through the Care of Mind, Body, and Soul For Happiness and Love

Note: I am not objective around others.

Just ask your authentic-self: is this healthy?

Forgive your mistakes, learn from pain; do the alchemy when your soul is in pain.

You need to learn from your pain, your mistakes, your habits.

Levels = evolution. Level up. Get comfortable.

Write the rules for your life.

Return to principles.

Life: likes vs. dislikes. As an activity to become more familiar with the self.

Keep life simple [Only the necessities.] This was inspired by the teachings of Epicurus, who advised his students to live life according only to the necessities of their well-being.

  1. Coffee
  2. Walk
  3. Breakfast
  4. Meditation
  5. Planning
  6. Work
  7. Lunch / Read
  8. Walk or Gym
  9. Work
  10. Dinner
  11. Walk
  12. Journal
  13. Read
  14. Meditation / Sleep

Sundays: Coffee shop / plan and review

Note: Withholding approval = power over others.

Don’t hold any thought the divine self doesn’t.

Think about how harshly you judge yourself (ego / judgements).

Practice non-judgement and loving-kindness on yourself.

Love is our highest word and the archetype for Love is God.

What we all need is Love, and most all of our problems arise from going about getting it in the wrong ways.

We have to embody our own God: to be the dad we didn’t get, the best friend we never had.

We have to be able to look to ourselves and trust ourselves.

All you need to be right now is the best 31 year old you. The rest will follow accordingly and work out too.

You have to not only trust in the future, but the past as well – [Honor Your Past]

If you’re gonna trust the future to deliver you from your past, you need to trust the past to deliver you to your future.

No one else can love you but you. They [people] make flattering mirrors, but ultimately we see only ourselves, our perspectives in them.

Quit looking in others for the mirror. For you can only see what’s already inside of you.

Reflect on the energy you want to feel in return.

You’re worthy of feeling great about yourself all the time.

If depressed, return to principles (Read your meditation notes).

Rest your mind, remain calm inside yourself.

Be calm: pure consciousness. Hold a calm, relaxed gaze, then follow your body’s physiology.

A spiritual life gives you the faith that your intention will manifest.

Faith = power of the Will.

Faith can only ever be in the self.

Confront fear and dispel it moment by moment, as it arises.

Ego is not an enemy of God / Spirit.

Ego is not an enemy to faith, only to reason [Which absolute faith requires]

Don’t monitor the conversation in your head so much as stop having one.

If a man is to know himself, to live an intelligent life of reason, he must be willing to deduce from his feelings his beliefs, and from his beliefs pure reason, so that his habits and actions will follow.

To trust yourself is to live your own truth. To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men, — that is genius. – Emerson

To trust yourself is to trust the will of life.

To attune to your inner intuition is not just to know how you are feeling in a given moment, but why.

You’ve gotta like yourself in order to be happy.

But you’ve also gotta be happy in order to like yourself. Welcome to the paradox of life you have lived in. Now live happy.

Love is the key to happiness and happiness is the key to love.

So, self-esteem = Love? Self-esteem = trusting life. It has brought me this far, this close.

Trusting life = being fully in the present moment, without fear, without judgement.

Being in the present moment = being happy and grateful.

Happy and grateful come from living well. Think well. Be well.

As you sow, so shall you reap.

Think well and be well.

Beliefs.

Believe in yourself.

Pure rationality.

Believe

Believe in yourself.

If you don’t, life’s going to be very hard – as it was.

You don’t need a God to believe in yourself. You just need to trust life.

And to trust life you just need to believe in yourself.

Life’s very scary if you don’t believe in yourself, if you don’t trust yourself. It’s terrible.

You have free will. Trust yourself. Believe in yourself. Because a belief in a God won’t save you, but a belief in yourself will.

Trust you are here for a reason, and that you are perfect for the reason you are here.

Trust you haven’t suffered in vain.

Trust in Love.

Believe in Love; that is God; not the religion; not the creator – but the reason.

You’re here to Love.

This is what you are made of. Love.

You are not God. You are Love. God is perfect (Divine) Love.

You’re here to learn that. To live that. To be that. (Divine Love).

You’re day-to-day life should be designed to maximize the love you experience.

To have loved is to have lived.

And you are entirely worthy of abundant love.

Live it. Give it.

The Universe sends the Love you give back to you as happiness.

So too, the Love you withhold comes back as fear.

Choose to love rather than fear yourself – your existence, for they are one in the same.

“Since psyche and matter are contained in one and the same world, and moreover are in continuous contact with one another and ultimately rest on irreprehensible, transcendental factors, it is not only possible but fairly probable, even, that psyche and matter are two different aspects of one and the same thing. The synchronicity phenomena point, it seems to me, in this direction, for they show that the nonpsychic can behave like the psychic, and vice versa, without there being any causal connection between them. ~ Carl Jung, “On the Nature of the Psyche”

Also, this: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/07/your-thoughts-do-not-create-your-reality-stupid/

also, this: https://www.livealifeyoulove.com/buddha-knew-law-of-attraction/

Most people fear life because they don’t trust it, and we fear what we do not trust in.

Fear comes from not trusting in the eternity of the soul; fear comes from being attached, from the idea of loss.

And I don’t know what is next, but I know this life isn’t permanent, so there really is nothing to fear.

“I know not if this earth on which I stand is the core of the universe or if it is but a speck of dust lost in eternity. I know not and I care not. For I know what happiness is possible to me on earth. And my happiness needs no higher aim to vindicate it. My happiness is not the means to any end. It is the end. It is its own goal. It is its own purpose.” – Ayn Rand, Anthem

And it’s our thoughts that shape our experience of reality, our highs and lows.

So we should think the thoughts of the reality we desire to experience.

I am calm. I am comfortable. I am at peace.

Because all we ever have is now to experience it.

So match the thought to the feeling, the feeling to the action, and the action to the desired feeling.

There is a reason humans have thoughts.

So we can feel our experience with them.

And if you don’t believe that you control your thoughts and feelings, then you don’t trust yourself.

So trust yourself. Trust your experience of reality, but also understand that you are the creator.

For if you didn’t believe your thoughts had any influence, you would’t listen to them.

So why do we listen to our own thoughts?

Well, some of them actually feel really good.

It’s the thoughts that don’t, which make us unhappy, that trouble us.

So why do we continue listening to the thoughts that trouble us?

Because the mind – the unconscious – where thought is processed and translated into feeling, this mind does not distinguish between good and bad thoughts, happy and sad feeling. It just feeds the thought into the unconscious to be processed.

The filter is the conscious mind. It’s where we have the ability to say yes or no.

And this filter follows the dictums of the soul, where the will resides.

However, we lose touch with our souls, our wills, and we become slaves living unconscious lives.

We must endeavor to live consciously, healthily.

We must care for our bodies and our souls if we are to have happy and healthy minds.

And that choice is ours.

So go to that yoga class together.

And if you don’t have someone, go alone, and you may meet someone.

That’s why we’re here after all: Love.

So why don’t we love our own minds, bodies, and souls more?

I suppose we don’t always make that a priority.

We don’t understand the mind, body, soul connection as the ancients did, that and or we don’t value our minds, bodies, and souls more.

Why? We value other shit.

Why? Because society has told us that feeling cool is more important than feeling good.

Why? Money. Pleasure, unlike fulfillment, is marketable. Because pleasure is instant, whereas fulfillment actually takes time.

But pain is here for many. And humans would rather feel good than bad.

So they make unhealthy decisions, whether it’s eating or drinking, and these things ultimately cost us our wellbeing.

So what must we do?

Love ourselves more. Care about other shit less. Or at least realize how important lifestyle is to happiness.

Because if we aren’t choosing to live a healthy lifestyle, we are screwing our happiness.

Which no rational person would do – were they not living in a society that places other things above happiness.

Because in the modern world we live in, you can buy pleasure but you cannot buy happiness, because happiness comes from the fulfillment of our thoughts (Into their physical reality).

And you can pay for some guru or life coach to tell you this OR you can just know it to be true in your heart.

But maybe your heart has been silenced by a mind and body too tired, too out of tune to connect to the soul and listen.

So RAISE YOUR VIBRATIONS !!

Maybe it’s surfing. Maybe it’s Yoga. Diet, water, exercise. Basically being a healthy human that gets into flow, that lives an actualized life.

Which, you haven’t been entirely… (Or much at all)

So step your game up.

Quit limiting yourself like a fucking retard idiot.

So choose to love yourself in your thoughts and resultant lifestyle choices.

Choose to trust that you’ll make it through not only without those unhealthy crutches, but because you went without, because you choose to nourish your mind, body, and soul out of love rather than fear.


Post Script

It’s only by the providence of synchronicity by which I have become the man I am today, and I have no doubt that at thirty one these lessons are precisely what I need to take my life to the next level.

Looking back, I see that when I lived in a manner that followed the habits of happy, healthy people, I too was happy and healthy. But, of course, our vices are a great comfort to us, whether it be junk food or junk substances, and, as I have outlined above, I think these things cause us to numb ourselves, and consequently numb our connection to our souls, our inner will, where the directng voice of consciousness resides.

It’s not by coincidence that spiritually actualized people live healthy lives and value their minds, bodies, and souls. Lord knows that someone who is relying on the comfort of their vices is by no means happy. They’re just afraid of losing that comforting crutch because they are in pain and they want a solution now, but it only makes it worse and actually perpetuates as addiction.

As the ancient maxim goes, the mind is a terrible master but an excellent slave; however, we must remain conscious in order to have mastery of our minds. We must be able to direct ourselves from that inner voice of the will.

I know after this experience that I absolutely must take care of my mind, body, and soul in a manner that allows me to remain connected to my inner voice.

And I know modern life doesn’t revolve around these things, but it’s your fucking life. Start living it rationally, for nothing is more important than your health and happiness.

As the ancient Stoics believed: virtue alone was sufficient for happiness. I finally understand this at a deep level. Lord knows, I already knew that vice alone was sufficient for misery.

In short, trust life. Trust yourself. Love yourself. And care for your soul. That means physical practices. You don’t want to live life like a lab rat, addicted to fats and other chemicals. That’s not wellbeing. That’s comforting your fear with pleasure, rather than trusting life and going into fulfillment.

Ending Courtship With Society: A Letter From a Budding Misanthrope

“It’s not a sign of good health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”

– Jiddu Krishnamurti

“Betrayed and wronged in everything,
I’ll flee this bitter world where vice is king,
And seek some spot unpeopled and apart
Where I’ll be free to have an honest heart.”

― Molière, The Misanthrope


The Budding of a Misanthrope

I need trees and bees more than those who fancy themselves the bees knees
I need Sarah and me, and toys, and the wealth to be free

So I am letting go of the idea that people have to – or even do like me,
Letting go of the friends who find me merely an amusing novelty

Because the problem with two different natures is that the highest always has to sink to the lowest
And so it goes, I’m letting go of the idea that I’m not the poet, the Raskolnikov, and the ghost of my heroes


I’m excited to take some time out of my day to write today, because I know that what I have to write holds significance for me.

Essentially, I came to the realization yesterday, while on a walk, that I’ve spent thirty one years seeking answers externally, when the only truths that have ever helped me have come from within. And in a world full of people who think they know better, this is a challenge; I open my email, I am inundated by messages promising me how I can do X, Y, and Z better – from industry advice concerning my work, to advice on spirituality and health; everybody is selling the promise of expertise. Same thing on Fakebook: I face a barrage of advice about life in pithy quotations and authoritatively written posts – all telling me how to live. The absolute worst culprits of this drivel are the ‘personal coaches’ out there who have figured out how to live a life worshipping themselves in Bali by selling everyone else on how to “live more authentically” or “start a coaching business”.

Frankly, I have not a single iota in common with these new-age fakes. Not that I don’t appreciate some of what I read, but I think they are nearly all alike in that they mistake their self-centered, shallow image for something authentic, when really they are just clones – all vying to conform to that societal ideal of the popular persona; high school all over. And like high school, I’m still the dark and brooding intellectual who feels like I share more in common with my heroes than I ever could my peers; in fact, I’ve never really had peers; frankly – if I may exercise the courage to admit it privately here – I’m not much like others: I think most people are comparatively dumb and characterless. I’ve always had much more in common with others after five drinks. And this is not at all because I am socially inept or insecure – it’s simply that I am a different kind of person who has a different mind and has lived an equally unique life.

Take the above for what you will, but I am a writer. We are always misfits if not misanthropic, having lived our entire lives feeling like we were born in the wrong time.

And I’m tired of trying to conform to a society that doesn’t understand me. I’m tired of expecting people to have a modicum of sense about who I am. I’m not like you; we aren’t the same in the way that a visitor becomes a foreigner in a distant land. This is how it feels to be me: to have traveled through time only to have forgotten where you came from.

It’s as if the rarest thing in the world for me is to meet someone unique and interesting – someone who doesn’t treat me like an alien but rather as an equal.

I suppose my dislike for society is mutual.

This is just a fact of life for me at thirty one, which I cannot in wanting to be happy ignore. Yes, perspective is important, but so is aligning your perspective more objectively to the truths of reality. I have no room for delusions, no patience for disappointments.

And just like I was the smartest kid in my classes as a child, I’m still burdened with a brain that is retarded in its intelligence. I cannot live the robotic life others do. Where there is a fern in the acorn of most, within me is an oak tree – nurtured by a quantity of books, which this year alone likely surpasses what you have read in the course of your entire life.

Consider this my break up letter to you, society.

I’ve simply tried too hard and too long to be accepted and liked by you. It’s pained me to a point where I can no longer do it.

The cold, hard truth is: society cannot understand me under these conditions; whereas, were I at present Lawrence Black the famous writer – as befits my sense of destiny – I would be viewed in a way that might finally give me mass acceptance, in the very same way a pretty girl or an aloof, handsome boy is accepted and liked at-large. Whether this shall come to pass, I can only hope; however, my hopes do not lie in the desire for love. I would never buy it. But I think this a good thing.

I’m reminded of the time I bought a BMW coupe, and while stopping for gas on the way back from Irvine, where I had purchased it, I caught myself garnering the attention of a pretty woman whom I knew would never in a million years have looked at me without the car. After that, I parked the car down the street from my office in shame, until I convinced the dealer to return it later that week.

Point being, attention from external validation does nothing for me but depress me. No matter how wealthy, successful, or popular I become on account of externals, I will always separate the image from the man.

This reminds me of something I read once in an interview with Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner. When asked whether he felt woman only liked him for his fame, he replied: “Who cares!”.

Well, Mr. Hefner, you may not – but I do. As Plato wrote, “I would rather have the man without the money than the money without the man.”

I’m just a deeper person than most.

I have depth of character like few I’ve met – and in retuning to LA and surrounding myself with writers and artists I hope to change that.

But for now, I just want to write some rules to my own life. Because at thirty one, I’ve come to many of the realizations about who I am, which I have touched on above.

And to align your perspective more closely with reality is one of the great tasks of life for the complex person. For the shallow person, I don’t think this is that hard. Reality, at least from the perspective of society, is pretty fucking dumb. Thus, I’m done courting it.

It’s not that I’m against you society – in-fact, I desire to help you grow up – it’s just, I prefer my own world to that which never understood me.

I need the spiritual space to withdraw and live my own truths.

And this writing is an unedited piece of shit, but it’s not for you.

Update: Recommended reading someone sent me tonight after I published this:
http://www.businessinsider.com/a-genius-discusses-her-struggle-to-communicate-with-others-2015-12

For Sarah

I’d spent years, every type of therapy,
Seeking desperately for a cure to my story

But not even LSD could teach me not to see
But still, I tried to kill the myth in me

I wanted to drown out the pain
The feeling of believing one has suffered in vain

So, not knowing better, I did what I did: I hid
In bars and alone on train cars, beneath tattoos and scars

And I even managed to sneak in and out of a few hearts
For, after all, who has not sought comfort in a stranger or fifty’s arms – no harm

But society was never the right mirror for me,
I only related to dead people, for they were always my preferred company

I found more truth in books than I ever saw in another’s looks
Windows to the soul never saw me – but alas…

And so, seeking sanity, I finally learned to be alone.
And for the first time in my life, I was okay on my own:

Of course, just when I stopped searching,
I find my forever home.

And, life’s script always following the great Bard of Avon:
The course of our true love did too never run smooth

So, I did what men do, I erected a veil for a fortress,
Reminding us both, “I didn’t need You”

And you would agree too;
We stuck our noses in the air at one another, like sister and brother

And despite the shit we went through,
We held to – as true lovers always do

Then I turn 31 and you take a work trip to DC for the week
And woe is me, I never felt so weak

So lonely without all I need,
So helpless and gasping for our air to breathe

And I’m sorry that it took being without you to see
But now I remember why this world’s not for me – not without you to help me be

Because I sought for years to be okay, but I think it’s time I accept that the kid’s not alright –
Because I’m more lonely than I’ve ever been on these wretched, godless, nights

So, I’ll remember when I close my eyes tonight,
That Your’s was the only light I ever saw

And I’ll be waiting here,
To cling to your breast as a bird does the nest

Knowing that I will not make it out of this life alive,
But that I can get through it with you by my side

I am not much for this world, truth be told
But I am for Sarah, whom my affection grants her possession of my eternal soul

And thy eternal summer shall not fade,
Least of all in these short few more wintery days

Notes Before 31

I begin my thirty-first trip around the sun in seven days.

Trip being the key word.

Life is indeed – if you open to it – it’s a great trip. Fantastic, magical.

Never thought I would grow into something different than I was at twenty-two. I was so naive back then. But that’s how naivete works. No one knows they’re naive.

Back then and ever since I thought I was all I would be.

I was a guy who thought my story was over.

How wrong I was.

I would go on, as I predicted hopefully in my poems, to fall in love again.

This girl would be, is, the one.

The one who lets me be exactly who I am, who gave me that divine feminine allowing space to continue discovering myself.

I’m quieter now.

The things I want, I want more.

Anything standing in the way, I want less.

I trust in the things I have learned, preferring psychedelics to analgesics.

Pleasure to pain.

Solitude to society.

I’m confident, supremely.

And frankly, I don’t have much to say.

Just the steadfast things I believe in:

Trust in yourself.

Forgive – but also condemn those who have fucked you over – those who took advantage of your kindness and naivate.

RESPECT YOURSELF.

Accept that you did not know any better and that the past could not have been any different.

Know and like yourself.

Spend time alone.

Let go of guilt.

Let old gods and myths die in favor of those you yourself build.

Design your own religion. Be faithful to something. Truth, beauty, goodness. Kindness.

Know that happiness is not the result of a good life – but the cause of one.

Just decide.

Just decide and make your life what you want.

Know thyself, trust thyself, respect thyself, honor thyself.

Be kind, be kind, be kind.

Love yourself.

Appreciate your aesthetic merit.

Keep learning.

Read.

Choose your own morals.

Have hot sex.

Take care of your body.

Know that the eyes are the window of the soul, and others will see you, will feel you in them – no matter how hard you try to mask your insecurities. They will see you. So get a firm hold on your own truths, and do not waver or doubt them. Know what is true for you in your heart of hearts. Decide your consciousness. Direct your thoughts.