What can I say: I’m good.
I used to write with another muse in mind – I used to live that way: constantly hoping to live up to some arbitrary measure; always insufficient for my estimations of myself, and always short of her’s.
Only, today, now, I dissappoint no one; for this is who I am, and I am loved for it – by myself and by the one I love in turn.
But it was not love that saved me, it was me – my desire for my own [love], which I earned, and which in turn earned me another’s.
But this is not a love song; this is my life.
The cowboy poet, finding his way home, dreaming of horses and a tree lined drive where I will lay me down beside the one I dream with.
This is our fairytale.
And we have fun in our happiness.
You see, neither of us pretend nor try to be anything we are not. In fact, I’d venture to say we like ourselves pretty damn genuinely.
We’ve been reading Ricketts’ and Steinbeck’s prosaic and philosophy laden Log From The Sea of Cortez together lately, and in it Ed Ricketts describes a donkey whom he discovers doesn’t directly dislike him so much as he [the donkey] suffers from “…a sour eye for the world”. And so it is, most opinions of us – including our own – stem from our sour eye for the world, and thus we are condemned by the very thing which might free us: our perception.
I think for a long time I felt that projection was always something that was inside out, meaning my perception of myself as something that reflected outward, but I don’t think so anymore. The donkey with the sour eye for the world has begged the question for me of whether the view of the self or the view of the world is a greater influence on ones perception – and I argue the latter, for it was only when I saw through the veil of perception that I was able to form a healthy inner reality (Or disposition if you will), and a true liking of myself.
Don’t get me wrong, I still want to burn the world down and sow these wild oats from time to time, but greener pastures call.
And I’ve come a long way from sowing the seeds of my own destruction – from seeing through that sour eye I once thought normal.
But today I know that it takes a long time to become the one.
And I’m not trying to escape who I am any longer.
Took me thirty years to accept myself.
Wish that were a joke but I fear some never do: stuck behind sour eyes, few seem to see the sweetness of life.
And it is sweet.
So don’t be so sour.
For it’s all over one day.
And if you’re lucky, maybe you’ll see that someday isn’t what it used to be.
And then, and only then, the sour will fade into the past, and the salty will be seen for what it is, and the sweet – oh the sweet – what it may be and what it is: only the heart knows these things.
Just remember that sour eyes, as the sweet do, have a way of meeting. And even the sweetest eyes can become sour in the eyes of the beholder. So look neither without nor within, but in your own heart. And perhaps it is then, that we may finally see into the heart of another.