It’s supposed to be fun,
It’s supposed to flow;
We’re supposed to be excited about tomorrow,
I say to her, helplessly
It’s supposed to be fun,
It’s supposed to be fun,
It’s supposed to flow;
We’re supposed to be excited about tomorrow,
I say to her, helplessly
What if life were perfect?
Every plane carrying the right people,
Every sorrow a gem;
The world turning like a watch.
Preface / Author note:
I wrote this three years ago; however, it was never properly published, until now.
In 2015 my world view was becoming far less ethereal and far more grounded in the pragmatic realities of science and technology; however, this suited me. I was writing a lot of code at the time (nothing too l33t, just front end stack), and I was fascinated by the singularity and futurism. Soon my new gods Sagan and Degrasse Tyson, were joined by Kurzweil and others; however, it was Nick Bostrom’s The Simulation Argument that would change my spiritual life.
Put forth in plain-speak – as I have come to understand it – the Simulation Argument is the idea (hypothesis) that we are living in a computer simulation, that reality itself is akin to a computer program.
If the idea is new to you, it’s likely to sound like we are living in The Matrix — which isn’t a terrible metaphor, but it isn’t a great one either.
Allow me to explain it [my conception of the Simulation Argument] as I have to friends:
Remember the first Atari?
We all know how basic games like Pong and Pacman were; now, think of the newest iteration of the gaming console, the Playstation Four:
Now, I want you to imagine the gaming console in twenty or thirty more years. Full neural immersion. Not just virtual reality, but reality indistinguishable from our own.
Scientists (Bostrom, Musk, et al.) believe that it’s going to be possible to simulate reality. Based on that hypothesis, it’s more likely than not that this is also a simulation, and that there are more simulated worlds than real worlds.
This is where you, the reader, may be thinking: put the bong down man. Only, this isn’t a half-baked concept. The Simulation Argument has gained major traction, both for and against; however, my purpose isn’t to dissect something that has been better explained by those smarter than myself. I merely want to explain what gave me a sense that yes, there might be a god, a great programmer in the sky.
For, if this is a simulation, then so many things would make sense for me, which otherwise do not in a purely natural world, but I must restate that I do not wish to try and explain things outside of my expertise, which math and science certainly are; however, I find solace in the knowing that some of the world’s smartest minds can arrive at answers I cannot, but nonetheless answers which solve very important questions, because philosophically humans have always sought to understand life — to understand their place in the universe. That’s really what this is a question of: what am I? Am I a mass of nerves, or am I something that might stretch beyond the physical universe? Is my soul in the cloud?
When I learned of the Simulation Argument and interpreted it as a personal paradigm for the nature of life and as an intelligent and compelling case for the existence of a god or godlike entity, I felt changed, I felt renewed; I felt that maybe the universe wasn’t so impartial and that maybe I could influence my fate more than I previously thought. Just maybe, life wasn’t fated for us to pass from the cradle to grave with a bit of luck and suffering in-between. Maybe magical things could happen. Maybe I could design my own user-experience in life. Maybe things like love, luck, The Law of Attraction, and other concepts fewer and fewer people seem to believe in today, are real. For me, it came down to the existence of free-will, a sense of profound possibility.
It’s this sense of profound possibility that comprises my present day definition of what it means for me to be religious. For, to believe in god as I conceive of the concept, is to believe in serendipity, in happy accidents, in the things my non-belief in (prior to learning of the Simulation Argument) had prevented me from experiencing. My atheism, my lack of faith in something beyond biological organisms, excluded the possibilities of me having a soul, of me having a rich inner world. When I was an atheist, my inner world was dead: it did not exist.
Nick Bostrom wasn’t the only individual who opened up the doors to my believing in a god. Around the same time I became interested in Bostrom’s work I began delving into the work of Swiss Psychologist Carl Jung, who believed that man needs religion, and the nature of the psyche is innately religious.
Jung had described my problem, prior to adopting a “religious outlook on life”:
…Among all my patients in the second half of life — that is to say, over thirty-five — there has not been one whose problem in the last resort was not that of finding a religious outlook on life. It is safe to say that every one of them fell ill because he had lost what the living religions of every age have given their followers, and none of them has been really healed who did not regain his religious outlook. This of course has nothing whatever to do with a particular creed or membership of a church.
It was the Simulation Argument, an argument for the possibility of intelligent design, which made it possible for me to adopt a religious outlook on life. Once I had done this, I could believe in what Jung coined “synchronicity”.
Jung’s concept of synchronicity is the idea of meaningful coincidences and the connection between psyche and matter (the inner and the outer world). Jung called it, “An acausal connecting principle.”
Without a religious outlook on life, such a thing would be mere superstition, rather than within the realm of reality, for a religious outlook gives one a grander sense of reality — a theosophy — a belief in mystical insight into our lives and our destinies; a belief in the power of our own intuition and our own intention.
Whatever we wish to call it, however we choose to describe it, it speaks of a coordinating agency of limitless scope and finite subtlety, whereby all the coincidences and connections of the world coalesce in a grand design, within which our dreams are possible (Provided humankind does not rob us of them ex: The Holocaust, wars, murder).
Seen this way, synchronicity, serendipity, kismet, chance, divine will, all present themselves within the people, messages, signs, and lessons we can find if we are looking for them; however, if we don’t believe in them: none are possible.
I look back,
Wondering where it went,
Those 10 years I lived with 4 girls:
5113 – DJLS
Wondering where it went
I have not published anything here in near a month, but a lot can happen in a month – a lot can happen in a day; your days can have significance. This is true (Along with everything else you believe).
I believe I’m fortunate beyond measure. Where there is love there is life – I have love: abundant, sweet, free, generous love. And it’s the love I have for myself that counts most and makes the rest possible. My heart is a magic kitchen; I am an alchemist; I turn shit into gold. I don’t even want to die anymore.
Thirty-two is a very good year: there are no limosines but the perfumed hair comes undone and my heart beats for it. I am a man. No Christian. I am a man. A human, and I think humanness is something we must aspire to.
But, in order to be human, we have to be whole – imperfect – and I am not talking about accepting flaws, but, rather, acknowledging our status as complex biological and psychological entities. This means listening to our bodies as much as our hearts, and – if we are brave enough – serving both without betraying one.
That’s the thing about life: it isn’t so much important to be true to ourselves as it is to not betray ourselves. Sometimes, we make mistakes, and that’s a part of life, but I don’t want to live in the shade of the freeway, forever a pretender, trying to buy my own happiness till I die. That would be a betrayal of who I am, as would be a cookie cutter anything – or anything that resembled a normal life at all. I didn’t make it through what I’ve made it through to be bored and unhappy. Ha.
Hell nah. To quote it for the billionth time, I would rather be whole than good (Jung). I would rather live a life according to the dictates of my own soul than follow arbitrary mores. My own values are what count. There are many a moralist whom I would not dare break bread with. But this is life, and they fucking love Donald Trump. That’s just the world we live in. Sorry kids, but life is a macrocosm of high school. Most people still playing a game called “who’s coolest” – of course, in the adult world, we call these people boring, unimaginative, and unoriginal, which is precisely what most people are. I really do wish there were more humans I wanted to hug, but like the homie James Comey, I don’t play that. Me no conversate with the fakes.
Water, however, finds its own level – as do persons. I refer here not to class, status, race or religion, but values. Unfortunately, however, xenophobia is very real in America. So is Fox News.
But I promise you, the good outweighs the bad. Perhaps not in number – or even power – but, as far as the stuff that makes life worth living goes [love], there is plenty of it. And when you have those good people in your life, stick to them like glue – and when you meet other good people, stick to them too.
If you are not the social type, I understand. My late twenties did a lot to incline me toward introversion, but still, sociometer theory is well and true, and being likable goes a long way toward being happy. Being happy, of course, making you likable.
Your life is a reflection of how you feel about yourself. I love Lawrence Black. I love my life.
This same life, I made a hell of at times. That’s the thing about being an alchemist – that’s the thing about perspective – you can turn shit to gold but you can also turn gold to shit. Humans are lenses. Paradise and hell, and all between – you can experience it. This we call thought. Feeling. Being.
But few of us question it. Only, when we do – and we do discover that – gah! – we don’t fully like ourselves – this is precisely when we outgrow it. Most ideas the unconscious mind holds, which hold us in turn, are absurdly illogical. How many times have you learned something about yourself that you let go of upon discovering? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve come to see the error of my ways – and just the coming to truth with myself about it was enough to resolve the matter – even if it had personally gripped me for years. Realizations, therapy, mistakes, life: it takes a long time to learn about yourself. But the more you do, oh how life gets better.
I’d keep going, but I’d like to return a few messages before bed. And I think I’ll come back here soon. I’ve got more to say. That’s for fucksure.
My unassailable, unimpeachable confidence is almost diametrically opposed to the fact that life is delicate and I will die, but why not be strong? Far better to trust life, to trust yourself. As I wrote long ago, society is a mirror no person finds themselves likable in. Be secure. That’s my advice. And the only way to be secure is to look within. Because that’s the only way you’ll ever change. If you’re not changing, you’re not growing. And if you’re not growing you’re not happy.
Lastly, is like to say something about optimism. I brought a book from Urban Outfitters late last year called You Can Be an Optimist, and while the book taught me a lot (Specifically on optimism and locus of control) – what really hit me was a thought I had while driving the other day: optimism is nothing more than the genuine belief that things will work out – and that one belief changes everything.
After all, whose side are you on?
Four weeks and two days ago, I left the city that never loved me; for I had to leave: I had to fall deeper, further into love – and closer to a pattern of life befitting a serious writer.
Sarah, life partner and best friend she is, naturally loved the idea of living in the woods for a year with me. It was, after all, our idea.
But it wasn’t our first idea; we were planning to move to LA – only fate would have it otherwise, and our plans would change just a week before we were slated to take up residence in a cheap AirBNB in LA for two weeks (Giving us enough time to find a permanent residence).
It was a solid plan, but it just didn’t feel right.
So, sitting in bed together, as we are now, Sarah doing her thing, me mine, we began to discuss the idea of somewhere not LA.
Price was a big factor. Frankly, we wanted a home.
A day or two before, I had looked on Craigslist at homes in a handful of rural Midwest cities. The prices made me swoon; however – besides the fact I had already done the Midwest – I knew it wasn’t in the cards. Call it inner voice. As I said to Sarah last night, all my biggest mistakes have been the result of listening to other people. Today, I listen to me. Fuck you.
So we zoomed out on google maps in bed that evening: looking first in South LA, then east toward Nevada, then north to the Oregon border, until finally – after the longest thirty minutes of our life – we landed on a small Califonia mountain town, and then something magical happened: we got excited.
Why? I don’t know. It was just the right place. Something inside us felt calm. Just the way it feels to be here this evening, looking out our bedroom across the deck and onto the National Forest.
We came here from a small apartment where we had barely managed to stay together through the newness of our relationship. We truthfully were barely sure of what we were doing.
But we did it.
We drove up on a Friday to see the place, returning directly to pack our entire apartment on the following Saturday, and then, four Sundays ago, we towed our car behind a uhaul up here, which was an adventure in itself.
We blew a tire. We had to stop to load a double stainless fridge into the uhaul in 110 degree heat, and we had barely slept for two days.
Our relationship was road tested on the trip up. Lord knows it had been battle tested in the city where we met. In that tiny apartment. Those fucked up people. That city. San-dago: you fucking overhyped transplant filled millennial shithole.
Needless to say, we are happier here. Much.
Sarah quit her job. I got my writing room. And we both get to call the first true house we have ever lived in together, home.
It has been an incredible experience these four weeks, full of stories I will be sharing soon in the form of a collection of non-fiction episodes published here.
This weekend we will be hosting the first of a series of guests scheduled to visit us, and we look forward to firing up the BBQ, looking up at the stars, and thinking back on the darkest nights. Nights when moving to the woods to write novels was only a dream. Nights when we had nothing but each other and a dream.
And LA, it will still be there. Waiting for me to arrive. Waiting for my stories. Waiting on the day when we take up part time residence – our cabin here waiting for us. Because we live in the woods now. Because this is home.
I know where I’m going.
I thought that I had known before, as a young-man of twenty four sometimes does, but I know now that the present could only ever get me so far in life. Eventually, if you are to have a future, you have to go back. You have to enter the cave you fear to find the treasure you seek (Joseph Campbell).
Once you do that, you’ll find your treasure. And once you have your treasure, you’ll never lose it.
Now that I’ve begun to Re-see my past, to revise it, it’s up to my visioning of the future to carry me the rest of the way.
As 50 Cent raps on ‘Don’t Push Me’: “I need to know where I’m heading cause I know where I’ve been”.
I relate to this line, having now an increasingly compassionate, healthy, and empowering understanding of my [past]. I know exactly where the fuck I’ve been and just how damn difficult it was for me – as life is difficult for all of us in ways.
I spent the better part of my first twenty-nine years of life nearsighted to the breadth of available reality: my happiness was narrow and my sorrow wide.
Furthermore, I was shortsighted to life in that I wasn’t able to look ahead very far: I didn’t possess the clarity or the trust to understand life and thus my future at twenty six. But I don’t think I was meant to understand it back then.
Twenty one year old me couldn’t create what thirty-one year old me has. Twenty-fucking-one me was a sensitive uptight prick. Thankfully, a good dose of heartbreak would fix that: upgrading me from a complete cock to more of just a regular dick. #levels. Huge improvement – but we’re not quite there yet; however, as fortune would have it, the fates would axe my life path more than I could have ever known, sending me down the road back to myself, again and again.
I’ve loved and said goodbye to a coterie of marvelous, wonderful women. A couple of whom maybe didn’t break me as badly as losing bunny or mousie, but still, I have been loved by every woman I ever fell for. And I can only hope for them what I have found, which is that the heart goes on. And I hope they have grown from their mistakes as I mine. In due fairness, I too was pretty incomplete back then.
Such is love in the spring of life: often fleeting.
But now I find myself in the summer of my years knowing that, like Sinatra, come autumn, I will I think of my life as vintage wine from fine old kegs, from the brim to the dregs, pouring out sweet and clear.
I was a guy who thought my story was over a time or two, or fifteen. To quote Rollo May’s definition of depression, I had an inability to construct a future.
Ironically, I also had a terrible relationship with my past. I treated my adult past like my childhood past: I buried it in pity. I repressed it all beneath a tomb of sorrow. But I never grieved. I never honored it.
Tonight, and lately, I’m finally looking back on the past with clear eyes. And I’m doing it because I finally am mature enough to, but also because I’ve come to learn just how important past is to one’s mythology. (Thank you Rollo May: Man’s Search for Himself, and The Cry for Myth. Also to the most high, C.G. Jung).
We think of myth and we think of made up stories. But myth doesn’t mean that. As Rollo May explains, myth comes from
…. (too tired to grab book, read this).
To me myth is the truth, and I was blind to mine for a long time – consciously. So I lived the unconscious one, the repressed stuff, as we all do until we learn the facts of life we live blind to.
And it’s mind blowing stuff.
Don’t believe me?
Fall in love again.
Take a trip.
I did, again and again. I never gave up. I never will. And not just because it’s great today, but because I went through the fucking shit I did to get here, and I know what I am made of.
It would have been a terrible crime against myself to take a purely stoic perspective on the past, saying: I don’t have to suffer anymore; it was all psychological; it was all in my head.
As much as that’s true, as much as my my mind has opened, it’s been the opening of my heart to life that has opened my eyes. And this, I owe the past for.
Writer, Businessman, Poet, Lover, Man,
All that I ever was all along,
All that I feared I would never be
Funny how I ever thought I wouldn’t become me
Funny how the wild things, once teeming with wild dreams,
Now whisper their secrets to me –
What other myth could I live.
In my darkest days I slept till three.
What more need I say; I was very depressed.
Today, when I think about that period in my life, I recall Rollo May’s description of depression as: ” …the inability to see or construct a future.”
And I couldn’t. I couldn’t let. go. I couldn’t see myself outside of my first two loves; as Drake sings on Views: If I ever loved ya, I’ll always love ya. And that was terribly toxic for me, because I didn’t love myself. So, I spent a lot of time feeling essentially incomplete: as if I had failed to live up to my dreams, and all that was left was the past, which I ached for.
Thankfuck, time truly does heal all.
I just didn’t know it would take so many years, but it did; however, it wasn’t the past that healed: it was me. It was me letting the false parts of me suffer until I shed them, and it was gaining the crystal clear picture of my identity I have today.
And it took so many years for me to get here, because I had so much unpacking to do; I had so much grief to face. But in that grief, I fell into life and I found that I could be there for myself: even in my darkest hour in the smallest ways. And in learning to be there for myself, I got to discover who I was.
And the funny part is, that beneath all the fear of not becoming who I wanted to be, there was a person who just wanted to peacefully coexist with his dreams. That’s all. No trouble. No drama; I just wanted to make awesome things happen, but I was full of excuses to keep suffering instead.
I can finally see that, now that I am no longer living in the unconscious grip of the myth that things had been unfortunate for me. Today, I no longer feel sorry for myself. And now that I no longer pity myself, I no longer have to live with the pain of what felt like irreconcilable burden of sorrow.
It was my personal hell – my world of mirrors and fears – but I just didn’t know any better growing up. And I say growing up, because I was growing up the past few years, and in particular the past twelve months. Today, I’m still growing, but life has come full circle. I’m whole and growing. I’m upgraded; on a new level. The heroes journey has led me to the wilderness and back.
Today I know what lays within me may also lay before me, and I know who I am can never be taken away from me.
For not even the past is irreconcilable. After all, it is only in reconciling with future and past that we may find peace in our present lives. This is the power of personal mythology. When you change the way you see things, you change, you begin to grow. And when you take command of your story, it really begins.
So, I go: onward. And I’m excited about life, as I have never been, because in the sometimes apropos words of Kanye West: “My life is dope and I do dope shit.”
What other myth than that would you want to live. What other myth could you live than your own.
This is your life, so work with what you’ve got and control what you may, but give your all.
Believe in yourself.
Trust that life will get out of the way and allow your will to be done.
These are only a few of my truths, but they’re all I need. They’re all I need.
This week was trying on account of two factors. Firstly, I turned thirty-one. And, for me, birthdays always cause me to step back and evaluate my life in a very objective, measured way, which is something I typically don’t do in my day-to-day life; however, when you reach a milestone, such as a birthday, you are forced to say: “This is my life at thirty-one”. In short, my birthday arrived with a sobering tinge of inner melancholy – because hey, I’m not a billionaire yet and nor do I have my Nobel. A terrible shame, I know.
Secondly, Sarah left town for a week-long work trip, so I was faced with our first real separation, which was not unbearable; although, it had its moments.
So, I’m not crying woe is me or anything, but like any human, I live my life according to my hopes and dreams and fears.
As I said, it was a trying week – but the time alone was good, as this entry evidences.
What follows is a series of notes I took after meditating last night and choking down a small but vile dose of an ancient, sacred plant medicine.
Like all my meditations, these are verbatim, with any added notes in italics.
Meditations Session Ten: Trusting Life and Going into Fulfilment Through the Care of Mind, Body, and Soul For Happiness and Love
Note: I am not objective around others.
Just ask your authentic-self: is this healthy?
Forgive your mistakes, learn from pain; do the alchemy when your soul is in pain.
You need to learn from your pain, your mistakes, your habits.
Levels = evolution. Level up. Get comfortable.
Write the rules for your life.
Return to principles.
Life: likes vs. dislikes. As an activity to become more familiar with the self.
Keep life simple [Only the necessities.] This was inspired by the teachings of Epicurus, who advised his students to live life according only to the necessities of their well-being.
Sundays: Coffee shop / plan and review
Note: Withholding approval = power over others.
Don’t hold any thought the divine self doesn’t.
Think about how harshly you judge yourself (ego / judgements).
Practice non-judgement and loving-kindness on yourself.
Love is our highest word and the archetype for Love is God.
What we all need is Love, and most all of our problems arise from going about getting it in the wrong ways.
We have to embody our own God: to be the dad we didn’t get, the best friend we never had.
We have to be able to look to ourselves and trust ourselves.
All you need to be right now is the best 31 year old you. The rest will follow accordingly and work out too.
You have to not only trust in the future, but the past as well – [Honor Your Past]
If you’re gonna trust the future to deliver you from your past, you need to trust the past to deliver you to your future.
No one else can love you but you. They [people] make flattering mirrors, but ultimately we see only ourselves, our perspectives in them.
Quit looking in others for the mirror. For you can only see what’s already inside of you.
Reflect on the energy you want to feel in return.
You’re worthy of feeling great about yourself all the time.
If depressed, return to principles (Read your meditation notes).
Rest your mind, remain calm inside yourself.
Be calm: pure consciousness. Hold a calm, relaxed gaze, then follow your body’s physiology.
A spiritual life gives you the faith that your intention will manifest.
Faith = power of the Will.
Faith can only ever be in the self.
Confront fear and dispel it moment by moment, as it arises.
Ego is not an enemy of God / Spirit.
Ego is not an enemy to faith, only to reason [Which absolute faith requires]
Don’t monitor the conversation in your head so much as stop having one.
If a man is to know himself, to live an intelligent life of reason, he must be willing to deduce from his feelings his beliefs, and from his beliefs pure reason, so that his habits and actions will follow.
To trust yourself is to live your own truth. To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men, — that is genius. – Emerson
To trust yourself is to trust the will of life.
To attune to your inner intuition is not just to know how you are feeling in a given moment, but why.
You’ve gotta like yourself in order to be happy.
But you’ve also gotta be happy in order to like yourself. Welcome to the paradox of life you have lived in. Now live happy.
Love is the key to happiness and happiness is the key to love.
So, self-esteem = Love? Self-esteem = trusting life. It has brought me this far, this close.
Trusting life = being fully in the present moment, without fear, without judgement.
Being in the present moment = being happy and grateful.
Happy and grateful come from living well. Think well. Be well.
As you sow, so shall you reap.
Think well and be well.
Believe in yourself.
Believe in yourself.
If you don’t, life’s going to be very hard – as it was.
You don’t need a God to believe in yourself. You just need to trust life.
And to trust life you just need to believe in yourself.
Life’s very scary if you don’t believe in yourself, if you don’t trust yourself. It’s terrible.
You have free will. Trust yourself. Believe in yourself. Because a belief in a God won’t save you, but a belief in yourself will.
Trust you are here for a reason, and that you are perfect for the reason you are here.
Trust you haven’t suffered in vain.
Trust in Love.
Believe in Love; that is God; not the religion; not the creator – but the reason.
You’re here to Love.
This is what you are made of. Love.
You are not God. You are Love. God is perfect (Divine) Love.
You’re here to learn that. To live that. To be that. (Divine Love).
You’re day-to-day life should be designed to maximize the love you experience.
To have loved is to have lived.
And you are entirely worthy of abundant love.
Live it. Give it.
The Universe sends the Love you give back to you as happiness.
So too, the Love you withhold comes back as fear.
Choose to love rather than fear yourself – your existence, for they are one in the same.
“Since psyche and matter are contained in one and the same world, and moreover are in continuous contact with one another and ultimately rest on irreprehensible, transcendental factors, it is not only possible but fairly probable, even, that psyche and matter are two different aspects of one and the same thing. The synchronicity phenomena point, it seems to me, in this direction, for they show that the nonpsychic can behave like the psychic, and vice versa, without there being any causal connection between them. ~ Carl Jung, “On the Nature of the Psyche”
Also, this: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/07/your-thoughts-do-not-create-your-reality-stupid/
also, this: https://www.livealifeyoulove.com/buddha-knew-law-of-attraction/
Most people fear life because they don’t trust it, and we fear what we do not trust in.
Fear comes from not trusting in the eternity of the soul; fear comes from being attached, from the idea of loss.
And I don’t know what is next, but I know this life isn’t permanent, so there really is nothing to fear.
And it’s our thoughts that shape our experience of reality, our highs and lows.
So we should think the thoughts of the reality we desire to experience.
I am calm. I am comfortable. I am at peace.
Because all we ever have is now to experience it.
So match the thought to the feeling, the feeling to the action, and the action to the desired feeling.
There is a reason humans have thoughts.
So we can feel our experience with them.
And if you don’t believe that you control your thoughts and feelings, then you don’t trust yourself.
So trust yourself. Trust your experience of reality, but also understand that you are the creator.
For if you didn’t believe your thoughts had any influence, you would’t listen to them.
So why do we listen to our own thoughts?
Well, some of them actually feel really good.
It’s the thoughts that don’t, which make us unhappy, that trouble us.
So why do we continue listening to the thoughts that trouble us?
Because the mind – the unconscious – where thought is processed and translated into feeling, this mind does not distinguish between good and bad thoughts, happy and sad feeling. It just feeds the thought into the unconscious to be processed.
The filter is the conscious mind. It’s where we have the ability to say yes or no.
And this filter follows the dictums of the soul, where the will resides.
However, we lose touch with our souls, our wills, and we become slaves living unconscious lives.
We must endeavor to live consciously, healthily.
We must care for our bodies and our souls if we are to have happy and healthy minds.
And that choice is ours.
So go to that yoga class together.
And if you don’t have someone, go alone, and you may meet someone.
That’s why we’re here after all: Love.
So why don’t we love our own minds, bodies, and souls more?
I suppose we don’t always make that a priority.
We don’t understand the mind, body, soul connection as the ancients did, that and or we don’t value our minds, bodies, and souls more.
Why? We value other shit.
Why? Because society has told us that feeling cool is more important than feeling good.
Why? Money. Pleasure, unlike fulfillment, is marketable. Because pleasure is instant, whereas fulfillment actually takes time.
But pain is here for many. And humans would rather feel good than bad.
So they make unhealthy decisions, whether it’s eating or drinking, and these things ultimately cost us our wellbeing.
So what must we do?
Love ourselves more. Care about other shit less. Or at least realize how important lifestyle is to happiness.
Because if we aren’t choosing to live a healthy lifestyle, we are screwing our happiness.
Which no rational person would do – were they not living in a society that places other things above happiness.
Because in the modern world we live in, you can buy pleasure but you cannot buy happiness, because happiness comes from the fulfillment of our thoughts (Into their physical reality).
And you can pay for some guru or life coach to tell you this OR you can just know it to be true in your heart.
But maybe your heart has been silenced by a mind and body too tired, too out of tune to connect to the soul and listen.
So RAISE YOUR VIBRATIONS !!
Maybe it’s surfing. Maybe it’s Yoga. Diet, water, exercise. Basically being a healthy human that gets into flow, that lives an actualized life.
Which, you haven’t been entirely… (Or much at all)
So step your game up.
Quit limiting yourself like a fucking
So choose to love yourself in your thoughts and resultant lifestyle choices.
Choose to trust that you’ll make it through not only without those unhealthy crutches, but because you went without, because you choose to nourish your mind, body, and soul out of love rather than fear.
It’s only by the providence of synchronicity by which I have become the man I am today, and I have no doubt that at thirty one these lessons are precisely what I need to take my life to the next level.
Looking back, I see that when I lived in a manner that followed the habits of happy, healthy people, I too was happy and healthy. But, of course, our vices are a great comfort to us, whether it be junk food or junk substances, and, as I have outlined above, I think these things cause us to numb ourselves, and consequently numb our connection to our souls, our inner will, where the directng voice of consciousness resides.
It’s not by coincidence that spiritually actualized people live healthy lives and value their minds, bodies, and souls. Lord knows that someone who is relying on the comfort of their vices is by no means happy. They’re just afraid of losing that comforting crutch because they are in pain and they want a solution now, but it only makes it worse and actually perpetuates as addiction.
As the ancient maxim goes, the mind is a terrible master but an excellent slave; however, we must remain conscious in order to have mastery of our minds. We must be able to direct ourselves from that inner voice of the will.
I know after this experience that I absolutely must take care of my mind, body, and soul in a manner that allows me to remain connected to my inner voice.
And I know modern life doesn’t revolve around these things, but it’s your fucking life. Start living it rationally, for nothing is more important than your health and happiness.
As the ancient Stoics believed: virtue alone was sufficient for happiness. I finally understand this at a deep level. Lord knows, I already knew that vice alone was sufficient for misery.
In short, trust life. Trust yourself. Love yourself. And care for your soul. That means physical practices. You don’t want to live life like a lab rat, addicted to fats and other chemicals. That’s not wellbeing. That’s comforting your fear with pleasure, rather than trusting life and going into fulfillment.
I begin my thirty-first trip around the sun in seven days.
Trip being the key word.
Life is indeed – if you open to it – it’s a great trip. Fantastic, magical.
Never thought I would grow into something different than I was at twenty-two. I was so naive back then. But that’s how naivete works. No one knows they’re naive.
Back then and ever since I thought I was all I would be.
I was a guy who thought my story was over.
How wrong I was.
I would go on, as I predicted hopefully in my poems, to fall in love again.
This girl would be, is, the one.
The one who lets me be exactly who I am, who gave me that divine feminine allowing space to continue discovering myself.
I’m quieter now.
The things I want, I want more.
Anything standing in the way, I want less.
I trust in the things I have learned, preferring psychedelics to analgesics.
Pleasure to pain.
Solitude to society.
I’m confident, supremely.
And frankly, I don’t have much to say.
Just the steadfast things I believe in:
Trust in yourself.
Forgive – but also condemn those who have fucked you over – those who took advantage of your kindness and naivate.
Accept that you did not know any better and that the past could not have been any different.
Know and like yourself.
Spend time alone.
Let go of guilt.
Let old gods and myths die in favor of those you yourself build.
Design your own religion. Be faithful to something. Truth, beauty, goodness. Kindness.
Know that happiness is not the result of a good life – but the cause of one.
Just decide and make your life what you want.
Know thyself, trust thyself, respect thyself, honor thyself.
Be kind, be kind, be kind.
Appreciate your aesthetic merit.
Choose your own morals.
Have hot sex.
Take care of your body.
Know that the eyes are the window of the soul, and others will see you, will feel you in them – no matter how hard you try to mask your insecurities. They will see you. So get a firm hold on your own truths, and do not waver or doubt them. Know what is true for you in your heart of hearts. Decide your consciousness. Direct your thoughts.
I don’t wish to make this long (As I would like to return to bed); however, some things must be said or, rather, in my case, written; for without writing I’m just thinking, and I need more than thoughts right now. I need patience. I need time. I need change.
Thankfully – unlike the latter part of my twenties – it isn’t me that I need to change – it’s merely my surroundings. Once, when I was younger, I was told the adage of ‘wherever you go there you are’. Only, this is not wholly true. Yes, you will run into yourself for as long as you need to suffer – but it is never a moment longer. And, sometimes, seasons and places accompany one another.
The season for being here and doing this is simply up. It’s that simple. We all pass the zenith of particular times and places, and sometimes new places offer promises in the whisper of secrets not yet told. And it is only in the soul of the individual, where it is most felt, where one finally says, “I must go.”
True, I could stay here forever – as many will. Only, that’s not how my story goes.
And for this, I owe no one – nor myself – a single apology.
Life is about letting go. And sometimes one must let go of the idea that one is happy in favor of the truth, which, when ignored, will eat you alive.
As the great Swiss doctor of the soul C.G. Jung wrote, “Until we make the unconscious conscious, it will direct our life and we will call it fate.”
In the same vein, Jung wrote, “When an inner situation is not made conscious, it happens outside as fate.”
Hence, why so many people are consumed by misery. They must be. For nothing else could prove to them how truly unhappy they are.
And this is the point of my writing tonight: to admit that it’s okay – normal even – to be unhappy.
I feel like my generation grew up in a kind of primary color emotional spectrum where our parents lived largely in contentment or misery, with only shades of anger, depression, and stress between.
But life, the richness of inner life, is not that simple; the human emotional system is simply not quantifiable in extreme absolutes, no matter how people seem to swing between them. I think – and again this is why I am writing tonight – I think that there is some terribly destructive stigma attached to anything outside of happy. We have been conditioned, from children, to believe that if we are not happy something is wrong.
How far this is from the truth. Sometimes unhappiness is merely the state one experiences when life does not conform to one’s values. And to think we are incapable of shaping our lives – for better or worse – is a travesty. I am, like you, the master of my fate, the captain of my soul. And I will not pretend this soul is contented. Not a single day longer. I can’t do it; it’s madness to live so dishonestly.
Only, what do we do? We fight with our spouses, or get frustrated with our children, each one of us too damn proud and wounded in self-pity to stand up and own our lives for what we can make them. So obsessed with being the hero of our stories, we become martyrs to our pity rather than be wounded by our pride. Why is this? I feel like it has something to do with pride always being foolish and never wise. Something to do with the maladaptive way we maintain our ego’s assertion that we are the better than other people – even if we have to make them our enemies to prove it.
After all, who actually wants to admit, or even feels it socially permissible to admit, that they are totally and completely unhappy due to no ones fault than their own. Such an admission would be rather wise, wouldn’t it. And rather uncommon; for, the problem is, most fear looking stupid. Again, pride’s folly. People desire to believe they are good at life too much to admit to themselves their own room for improvement in this game. I’d love to see a comedy skit in which people are honest on social media. If there were, we would see instagram pictures of laundry in crappy bedrooms, and facebook posts about how much people loathe returning to their lives each Monday. Instead, we have snapshots of “happiness”, which pass for a life.
Let me be the first to tell you, I am fucking miserable. Sure, I am happier than I’ve been in a decade – but thirty year old me is NOT A SINGLE BIT CONTENTED. I’m pissed. I’m considering this a low point. Lawrence Black has a lot of fucking shit to accomplish. In the words of Liz Gilbert: onward.
Of course, we can always just resign ourselves to our station in life. Thanking Jesus for our lot or pretending we love everything – in spite of our internal sufferings. Let me tell you, nothing makes me want to puke more than the kind of new age positivity that causes people to stick their heads in the sand. Sure, some people may feel they need that – and good for them. I’m just more in touch with my mortality than to rely on myths other than my own. I’m too conscious of my own potential – too fortunate to need to be thankful; too upwardly ambitious to pretend this is my peak or that the best is behind me. I’m thirty years old. I’m just getting started. However, this is hardly a solace. But, if anything, it forces me to let go. It forces me to face myself and my past honestly. This is, obviously, a good thing, but it doesn’t make it any less painful; although, it is far preferable to be in the winter of one’s discontent than to die in an endless summer of despair.
And with that, I shall caper nimbly back to my chamber.
The sun will rise tomorrow,
As straight as the crow flies;
Daylight will come.
And it will be a good day for some,
And for others: one dark and tired
But I promise you this:
They’ve already decided –
For whether they know it or not:
Their day is upon them.
Shall they meet us,
Perhaps then they will know what we do:
Which is that the human heart – if unafraid –
Shines right into the blind-spots of our souls,
That pulling darkness,
That invisible, secret shadow-side to each individual’s light
And should someone’s light throw shade on my shine
I am unafraid to use that yin,
And wear the black darkness about me like a cloak
So that I may once again slip in,
And explore the depths within this heart of mine –
Brave and trusting,
Shall seek the light –
That yang-energy hiding behind the wound I have yet to find
And finding the sad thing
– As the seeker always does –
I will carefully remove the stitches,
Drenching the lonely sad plains in my soul with undiscovered parts of myself,
Where only yesterday,
I didn’t know I existed.
And when our wounds have been finally opened and examined,
We will be more whole –
Our wings once again dipped in gold,
We will have grown,
Not simply older,
But better, brighter, lovelier, and wiser –
Than we ever imagined,